10,000

Cats with Knives recently received its 10,000th view. What the hell is that all about? In honor, I wanted to give you my 10,000 favorite posts. That is a lie! But here are my favorites! Anything that's underlined in this post is linked for you to read. Note: Oprah is not mentioned in this list of favorites anywhere. You know that she traded the souls of a million puppies for her success, don’t you?

Get in Line, Delilah, you’re next – Ha ha! Remember when Dr. Laura said the N* word eleven times?! She is a real asshole!

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right – I wrote this right after those Chilean miners got rescued. Thank God Kim Kardashian got married so we could finally stop hearing about them!

The First Year of Law School – The first year of law school is like being forced to amputate your own leg without anesthesia, and then having your dissection graded. On a curve. Where the average is a B-.
Scan, baby, scan – I am the first person to volunteer to be scanned in an airport. First of all, everyone is so lucky to see me all naked, and second, I bet radiation is secretly good for you. In addition to that, it’s the least I can do for the 2,977 people who died because these measures were not in place on September 11, 2001. Fucking terrorists.

Bentennial – The best stories are true stories, and the true story of a swim meet gone wrong is one of my favorites. What I didn’t mention was the sort of inherent creepiness of a high school swim meet. Too much skin is all I’m saying.

Go Bucks – I love my Buckeyes, but Buckeye fans make me crazy. Written back in the glory days of Buckeye football, when Tressel was still da man, and tattoos hadn’t ruined everyone’s life (AS I HAVE ALWAYS PREDICTED THEY WOULD).

40 – As it turns out, I’m one of those awesome 40-year-olds. So, sorry for those of you who weren’t hit with the amazing stick. And by amazing stick, I mean lint brush.

Afraid to Fly – I am really afraid of flying, and I really do all of these things. Now, the upshot to all of this is that on a flight from Columbus to Phoenix, a fundamentalist survivalist taught me the secret to apocalypse survival: millet. So, you’re welcome.

In Offense of Marriage – Most people are cut out for marriage. But I’m not. I will, however, totally put out for a guy who can put that plastic stuff on my windows in the winter and buy me dinner.

When You’re Gone – I really love my son. My therapy bill has gone up exponentially since he went to college, but that’s mostly because he’s no longer around to check the house for killers. In any event, it’s nice to have captured this moment in time. I hope he reads this when I’m dead and he’s thinking about dancing on my grave.

Can I Get an Amen and God Bless You Raymond Towler – Ah, well. You know, I’m just a nice Catholic girl who loves good grammar and hates injustice. While these posts may never have the popularity of the one about made-up state capitals or where I gave college advice to my son, they come from the depths of my heart.

Thanks for reading, everyone. If I haven’t mentioned one of your favorites, let me know what it was and I will personally come to your house (if it’s close to me and I feel like it) and smack your children around with a copy. Rock on. (Clasps hands together in praying gesture and takes bow.)