State Capitals

I had to learn all of the states and capitals in fourth grade, unlike kids today, who are soft. Sometimes when I am running with friends, if things get tough, I break out the “Let’s Name the State Capitals” game. Here’s how it usually goes:

Alabama – All of these interchangeable southern states get the standby capital name of Jackson
Alaska – Seward’s Folly. Only answer you will ever need to a question about Alaska. Just try it.
Arizona – Fiesta Bowl City. Ahem, Tostitos Fiesta Bowl City.
Arkansas – I know this! Jackson!
California – Sacramento, which, in 2002, was celebrated by Time Magazine as America’s most diverse and integrated city. I hate you, liberals!
Colorado – South Park
Connecticut – New England states all have insurance company names. I will go with The Hartford
Delaware – Fake state, no capital
Florida – Tricky state capital of Tallahassee, which I’m just going to say, would be such a Spring Break bummer. Parents: “Hey kids! We’re going to Florida for Spring Break!” Kids: “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Where? Orlando? Ft Lauderdale? Key West?” Parents: “No! Tallahassee, seat of the state government!” Kids: “Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
Georgia – I’m still too depressed about this Tallahassee thing.
Hawaii – Actually separate country in South Pacific. Does not count.
Idaho – Springfield
Illinois – Springfield
Indiana – Springfield
Iowa – Springfield
Kansas – Kansas City! So easy!
Kentucky – Kentucky City!
Louisiana – Louisiana Purchase. Considered the Seward’s Folly of 1803.
Maine – Met Life
Maryland – Terrapin
Massachusetts – Prudential
Michigan – Go Bucks!
Minnesota – Krueller
Mississippi – Jackson
Missouri – Jackson…uh…City?
Montana – Here is a fact: four of the six least-populous states per capita are in the western United States and are suspiciously squarish. Montana is the least square of them all, so I will begrudgingly admit that it is a real state, and guess that its capital is Ted’s Montana Grill.
Nebraska – I have heard that Nebraska is an actual state, but I am firmly convinced that it and Kansas are solely comprised of Interstate 70. However, a quick check with my friend Wikipedia tells me that I-70 doesn’t even GO through Nebraska. However, putting the search term, “Armadillo in Nebraska” into Google reveals that Nebraska may have armadillos. Therefore, I change my answer from “I-70” to “Armadillo City.”
Nevada – Not to point out the flaws of others, but a Nevadian will tell you, in all sincerity, that it is a faux pas to pronounce the name of their state Na-vah-dah. They will tell you that the middle syllable is said like “dad.” People come to your state to gamble and get a hooker, and you’re worried that they are pronouncing it right? PS, the state capital: Gambledyhookerville.
New Hampshire – State Farm
New Jersey – Armpit. I AM SORRY, FRIENDS FROM NEW JERSEY! BUT THAT IS WHAT THE MAP SAYS!
New Mexico – Arizona is trying to kick it out of the union for sounding too foreign. So far, Arizona’s motion to expel New Mexico has passed the legislature and is awaiting the signature of Jan Brewer.
New York – Newsweek Magazine said Albany is, “…frequently cited as the nation’s worst state government.” So that’s good, right?
North Carolina – Charlotte Airport - CLT
North Dakota – Krispy Kreme
Ohio – Go Bucks!
Oklahoma – I-70
Oregon – I’ve already looked it up twice and already forgotten it. I am not looking it up again.
Pennsylvania – This is a trick question, as Pennsylvania is part of Steeler’s Country, which officially annexed itself from the United States years ago (Mean Joe Green was its first president). Now, this can get complicated, as Philadelphia did not annex, and has a separate capital of “F*%# Off And Die, Motherf*%#er!”
Rhode Island – Listen, I was about to note that this is another trick question, because Rhode Island is clearly an island, and even if it wasn’t, it is actually the size of someone’s backyard, and therefore, not technically a state, but have you ever met anyone from Rhode Island? Those Rhode Island natives will tell you what is WHAT, my friend.
South Carolina – Columbia. They actually yell, with no irony whatsoever, “Go Cocks!”
South Dakota – Long John
Tennessee – Gennessee
Texas – Road House
Utah – A person lacking in creativity would make some Mormon joke, but I am better than that. Utah has a long and fascinating history, as evidenced by the first sentence of its Wikipedia article: “Utah is a state in the Western United States.” Well, let’s go visit, everyone! It sounds so fun!
Vermont – Nationwide
Virginia – West Virginia
Washington – Washington DC
West Virginia – Capital of Virginia
Wisconsin – Custard Cream
Wyoming – Fake square state