A Cats with Knives Thanksgiving

I have a love-hate relationship with Thanksgiving. On one hand, I love it, because it’s a fun family gathering and a good excuse to take stock of all of the wonderful things in my life. On the other hand, it is a known fact that I despise almost every form of Thanksgiving food. Turkey? Don’t eat it. Stuffing? Stuff this, fatso. Green beans? Work of the devil. Yams with marshmallows? Why would anyone do that to another person? Also, with this whole Facebook thing, people now use Thanksgiving as an excuse to YELL at PEOPLE in CAPITAL LETTERS about WHAT THEY SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR, and I then have to go run over some military people or inspiring children to provide an effective counterbalance. I don’t want to, but the forces of the universe demand it.

But, on the whole, I’m thankful. And, this evening, when we gather together to share what we're thankful for, I am not just going to blurt out that I'm thankful for the health of my family, my beloved son, my plushy dog, my wonderful friends, and for the full use of my mind and body, but I'm going to add these things:

1. I am thankful that my son does not post pictures of himself indulging in underage drinking on Facebook, because that is some tacky-ass shit.
2. …that God saw fit to help me understand the difference between social activism and posting insane comments on USAToday.com.
3. …for the Lone Wolf episode of Laverne and Shirley
4. …for sriracha, wasabi, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing, red wine, coffee, arugula, peanut butter, and my beloved, beloved chocolate.
5. …that most numbers are either divisible by two, the sum of their digits equals something divisible by two, or are not prime. The number 47 is conspicuously absent from my gratitude.
6. …for Todd Rundgren.
7. …for everyone who agrees with me that people falling down is always hilarious, as long as they are not old (sometimes also when they’re old).
8. …for blog readers, reposters, and commenters. Holla!
9. …for computer mahjongg.
10. …for my television mute button, so I never have to hear Chris Spielman provide “analysis” of a football game.
11. …for Mel Boughn, who taught me how to change a tire so I’m not a loser girl standing on the side of the road, just waiting to get killed by drifters. Hi, Mel!
12. …for Mizuno running shoes.
13. …for working on the fourth floor, so I hardly ever have to die in a terrible elevator accident.
14. …that I mostly obey my rule not to Facebook after the ambien has kicked in.
15. …for those who know that prudence dictates the best times to say, ‘that’s what she said.’
16. …for all of my friends who quietly kick ass.
17. …for Wikipedia, the source of most of my information. Thanks, nerds!
18. …for the fact that I was TOTALLY the first person to notice that Cee Lo Green and Gremlin from McDonalds look EXACTLY the same.
19. …that my house has not had temporary or permanent infestations of insects or rodents, because if you think I’m high strung now….
20. …for those who aren’t too cool to provide an enthusiastic thank-you wave whenever the occasion demands it. I have it on good authority that non-thank-you wavers are going straight to hell.
21. …for the fact that Pandora has the thumbs-down button for every time Michael Bublé comes on.
22. …for not being afraid to abruptly end a blog