Get in line, Delilah, you're next.

Just to get us started: there are some words I can’t bring myself to say. I have always lived by the rule that if it doesn’t make sense to call Tom Cruise the name, then you probably shouldn’t say it out loud. Try it out. Would it make sense to call Tom Cruise a douchebag? Sure. So that’s okay to say. Does it make sense to call Tom Cruise a cu*t? No. So we won’t say that word. Fuckwad? Sure. He's a total fuckwad. The n-word? No. That doesn’t make sense at all. So that word's off-limits.

Here’s the problem, though. Even though I have clearly established that, using the Tom Cruise test, it is not okay to say the n-word, the use of that word is part of what I need to discuss. So, to make it easier, I will substitute another word that some people don’t think should be said, but I think is perfectly acceptable: Voldemort. Okay? To recap: every time I need to use the n-word in this post, I am going to substitute Voldemort. Now that we’ve gotten that straight…

Dr. Laura Schlessinger said Voldemort eleven times on her radio call-in show. And there was a big hubbub about that. Which I don’t quite understand. First of all, our Constitution guarantees us the right to free speech, as long as we’re not using that speech to incite people to immediate violence, and as long as it’s not slander or libel. As a result of this right to free speech I am free to say what I want in public. I can say good things, or I can say dickey things. I can have this blog. I can say that George Bush purposefully ran this country into the toilet or I can say that Barack Obama is purposefully running this country into the toilet. I can say things I mean, or things that I don’t mean. I can say Voldemort as many times as I want. You can’t stop me, and you shouldn’t try.

The whole idea around this first amendment thing was that we should have a “marketplace of ideas” where everyone’s stupid-ass opinion can be aired and heard, without censorship, and we should trust people to be able to decide what is right and makes sense, and what’s a screaming load of garbage. The framers of the first amendment had a lot more trust in Americans than we have in ourselves: they believed that, in hearing ridiculous notions, we would simply say, “I call bullshit” on those that were stupid, and that would be that. But nowadays, maybe we don’t trust ourselves to know the difference between a statement that’s borne of logic, and one that’s been contrived and manipulated. Maybe we can’t decide for ourselves that, when a person who makes her living giving advice to people she’s known for all of 25 seconds starts spewing Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, this may not be an idea we are necessarily interested in buying in that marketplace of ideas.

I don’t believe that Laura Schlessinger uses the word Voldemort in her daily life. I doubt she even thinks it, and I am quite willing to bet that she finds the word as abhorrent as any of us. I think she got a little carried away with the demands of trying to be politically correct while still being as arrogant and self-satisfied as she is. She’s got a lot of balls in the air.

That’s not to say, however, that she’s not a gigantic asshole. Here’s why: instead of just saying, “Hey dudes, I said Voldemort, and I’ve said I’m sorry, but it’s not illegal to say Voldemort, even if I meant it, so if you don’t like it, don’t listen to my dumb show,” she ENDED her show (quitter!) and she said she wanted to “regain her first amendment rights.”

Here’s the thing: she never LOST her first amendment rights. Her first amendment rights are what gave her the right to say Voldemort eleven times!!!! Her first amendment rights are not at issue! Believe me, if the ACLU has to come to town to ensure that the fucking KKK has the right to march all over my statehouse with signs that say “Voldemort Go Home!” then Laura Schlessinger’s precious stupid rant is PROTECTED. In her quit speech she also said that she didn’t want to “live in fear”. What fear? She was allowed to say Voldemort eleven times, and she did! She said Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort!!!! Only one, maybe two of those could have been a mistake, so there was no fear when the word was coming out. Seems like she felt perfectly comfortable, as is her right as an American, to use whatever language she chose. So it sounds like what she really fears is consequences of her actions. Sounds like what she fears is having to listen to people who disagree with what she says.

It’s one thing to not want to listen to people who disagree with you. I totally understand that sometimes you just want to live your life the way you want to live it, and you don’t want people telling you that illegal immigrants are going to steal your babies and eat all the good jelly beans out of your Easter basket and take all the really awesome dishwashing jobs. If you are a person like that, you should get a job where human contact is controlled. But when you’ve made your living off of a radio call-in show, that, by its very nature, requires the intrusion of other humans with minds, and then you take the further step of SCREENING EACH CALLER SO YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GETTING, it’s just a little hard to believe that, after decades of doing this, you are suddenly living in fear. Of what? A human audience?

It is far too late for Dr. Laura to play victim. She is no dummy, and she did nothing that was illegal. It was offensive, certainly, but ultimately, it contributed to the marketplace of ideas, and gave people something to think about, to consider in light of their own experiences and understanding of the world, and something to react to. For her to blame people for reacting, and to proclaim that her rights were somehow lessened through her interaction with that (extremely patient and mild-tempered, might I add) caller is to deny the entire purpose of the Constitution. I call bullshit, madam.