In Offense of Marriage

Here is a fact: at my age, I am far more likely to be killed by a maniacal hedgehog than I am to get married. My friends, who are well-meaning, but all a little bit scared of me, have gently tried to broach the subject with me. This is what I mean by “gently broach:” they say, “I don’t get it. You seem normal. Why aren’t you married yet?”

Over the years I have tried to formulate an appropriate response. A few things I’ve tried:

• I don’t know
• I’ve always been too busy
• I am allergic to Unity Candles
• It is against the Pirate Code

But here is the truth: it’s just not how I roll. I am not opposed to marriage…..for you. But it’s not my thing. I have loner tendencies, with serious hermit potential. I adore hours of silence strung together without interruption by human noises. I am not awesome at compromise, which I hear marriage entails, and commitment makes me want to throw up. So, needless to say, I was never the girl who was ordering Modern Bride and making a scrapbook of my dream wedding. In fact, I think that the prospect of having to arrange a wedding and reception is a large part of my marriage anathema.

Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy attending weddings. People in love make me happy. I like hearing men and women talking about their weddings. I have all the sympathy for friends who are dealing with the year or so of stress and planning that goes into making the event happen. In my religion, the wedding ceremony itself is a sacrament, and I am totally behind that, too. It’s big stuff. But, to me, it would be slow torture. On a regular day, I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning just to manage the logistics of daily living (things like finding a parking spot, being on time to everything, having enough snacks, etc.) Planning a wedding is nothing but logistics and details, and I am not wired to deal with that unmedicated. I am also not wired to deal with appetizers, flowers, scripture readings, auditioning DJs, invitations, pre cana, licenses, bridesmaid/groomsmen selection, the chicken dance decision, cake, attendant gifts….there is no way. This is not for me.

On the other hand, one never knows. So, just in case I fall in love with someone who also meets my non-negotiable conditions of marriage (he has to live somewhere else and not constantly* bother me) the following will be part of my wedding:

1. There will be a Doritos bar and a nacho cheese fountain. Fact: everyone likes Doritos, and a nacho cheese fountain is a lifelong dream of mine. I can’t worry about whether people want prime rib or chicken, so I figure Doritos are a happy medium. We would have ALL DIFFERENT KINDS of Doritos. And dips. And napkins so nobody gets Dorito powder on their clothes.

2. I will not walk down any aisle, anywhere. At the church, after the processional music is played, I will simply jump up from the front row, yell, “Hi everyone! I’m right here!” and then get on with the thing. If anybody else wants to walk down the aisle, they are welcome to do so. But not me. Also: at the reception, there won’t be any announcement like, “And now…..we present….Mr. and Mrs……!!!!!” No. I will enter my reception the exact same way I enter church every week: sneak in, sneak out and sit in the back.

3. I will not have useless table centerpieces. I have friends who have spent countless hours agonizing about their centerpiece. Mine would be easy: a giant bowl of candy bars. There would definitely be Twix in there, Reese cups, Heath bars, Whatchamacalits, Rolos, Kit Kats…what I am saying is that you would find something in there that you would like. And the table would have to vote on who got to take the centerpiece home based on who did the best job keeping the conversation at the table going. That way, I wouldn’t have to mess around with wandering from table to table, ensuring my guests were having a good time. That would stress me out.

4. No wedding clothes. All women ever do is pick apart your dress and compare it unfavorably with their own. White is not flattering on me. I’d rather see a guy in running clothes than a tux. Making my friends wear matching dresses and shoes is asking an awful lot of them. It is also hard to enjoy a Doritos bar with a nacho cheese fountain if you’re wearing taffeta.

5. Baby Animals. Instead of a slide show at my rehearsal dinner with all of the happy moments of the couple, I will have a slide show of adorable pictures of baby animals. Same goes for my wedding program. Instead of a program, each person will just be handed a picture of a sleeping baby panda.

6. If I ever utter the words, “This is MY DAY,” to anyone, at any time before or during the wedding, they will have my permission to shoot me with a paintball gun from ten feet away. I have long-believed that many divorces occur because the parties were so focused on the wedding, and how magical and special the wedding was going to be, that they forgot to consider how the marriage was going to be. And I feel like marriage really consists of putting up with other people farting.

So that’s it. Totally normal, right?


*constantly = ever