Suck it, Oprah.

Part of my reason for creating this dumb blog in the first place was specifically so I could dedicate as much space as I wanted to how much I detest Oprah. But until this point I’ve been sadly lacking in the Oprah-bashing, and that’s for two reasons: 1) I don’t actually watch her show. My knowledge of Oprah comes courtesy of Joel McHale and The Soup, from people on Facebook, and from the few snippets I see of the show at the gym. So, although I harbor a lot of resentment to the woman, I don’t have anything to discuss re: that resentment. 2) I am afraid of the Oprah Syndicate. I mean, we have free speech in this country, but I believe that Oprah had the actual Constitution of the United States changed to prohibit free speech about her. People say bad things about Oprah, and then, in small but noticeable ways, their lives turn to shit. Like, if you have a scholarship to a school, and you smear Oprah, she will buy the school and get rid of that scholarship, just to spite you. She will take away every major at your college except one: Lice. For the rest of your life, you will have to tell people you majored in Lice. If you are running in a 10K race, Oprah will buy out the field and stock it with her own stable of Olympic runners just so you will come in last place. Let’s say you really like green M&Ms. Oprah will buy every package of M&Ms in your state, and have all the green M&Ms replaced with brown ones. The light brown ones that look like diarrhea. That’s how diabolical she is.

So it is with marked reserve that I announce to the world just a few of my issues with Oprah. Read this carefully, because your computer will probably burst into flames in about five minutes (yes, that’s Oprah’s doing.)

Issue 1: Oprah Requires Copious Ass-Kissing. From what I can see, everyone who comes into Oprah’s life is required to bow at her feet. It doesn’t matter if you are a celebrity, the President of the United States, the Duchess of York, or a humble audience-member, when Oprah bellows her approval of something, you’d better damn approve, too. And boy, if she gives something to her audience, that audience had better throw an epileptic fit over how excited they are, or they will go home to find that Oprah has sent her personal army of highly-trained termites into each and every one of their homes to destroy it from its foundation. Seriously, the woman is like, “You get Stove-Top stuffing! And you! And you! And you! Stove Top stuffing for everyone!” And the audience is dancing around like a bunch of Stockholm Syndromed seals, furiously barking and clapping their stubby little seal arms together in hopes that Oprah will let them out of the audience alive.

Now, my friend Angela, who is a GIANT OPRAH SUPPORTER, states that this is part of Oprah’s humanity. That Oprah desperately needs people in her life. That she has deep psychological pain from her years of emotional and physical trauma, and that she is simply filling that need with the adoration of the people who come to her show. Well, that brings me to my second issue with Oprah….

Issue 2: Oprah is a Junkie. Angela claims that Oprah is filling her needs with people. I contend that Oprah is filling her stomach with deep fried butter (if you didn’t get that reference, Google “Oprah Winfrey Deep Fried Butter” – it will tell you everything you need to know.) Now here is my issue: Oprah has long admitted that she is addicted to food. I applaud her for that, and I am totally behind her. We all have our addictions. (My addiction: being AWESOME!!!) But Oprah, more than almost any person on the face of the earth, has the resources to do something about it. And I’m not saying that she has to be thin – I think we all agree that we didn’t much care for Thin Oprah. But I think it’s total bullshit that she announces that she is an addict, and then she continually puts herself in a position to give in to her addiction. Oprah, the food addict, should NOT be asking the public to approve of her visit to the Texas State Fair, in all of its junk food glory. That would be like a drug addict saying, “Hey, everyone, I am a total crack addict, but you should come along with me to this crack house, and watch me as I sample everything that’s going on here. It’s totally okay because I’ve already told you I’m an addict, and that I’m struggling with my addiction.” You are not struggling, Oprah! You are indulging your addiction, and you are asking all of your viewers to be in on the deception! I am not down with that!

My friend Angela defends Oprah, saying that Oprah is fighting the fight, and that she has made this, and many other emotional battles, part of the public discourse, shedding light on subjects that might otherwise stay hidden away. I disagree. I think that Oprah is substituting public discourse for actually digging in and fighting her own demons. And that’s a shame.

Okay, so I only give myself five minutes to write this blog, and I try to keep it brief, so I’ve got to stop here. (Also, I hear people assembling outside my door, and it sounds like they are loading a tranquilizer gun and talking via walkie-talkie to someone named Noprah.) But I hope this message makes it out. Wish me luck in spreading my message of Oprah intolerance. Long live Jerry Springer!