Vampires vs. Zombies

In case you are not clear on how I feel about a lot of things, the answer is this: scared. A list of the things I am scared of includes Igloo coolers, stale candy, laser pointers, deep venous thrombosis, ninja killers in the attic, and any other host of things, including vampire attack. But not until recently did I develop a fear of zombies. And quite frankly, I blame all of you.

The reason why I blame you is because you are probably watching the show The Walking Dead on AMC. Now, most of you know AMC for the cultural phenomenon Mad Men. The Walking Dead is just like Mad Men, except that instead of being set in an advertising firm in the 1960s, it is set in Georgia in some time like now, and by Georgia, of course, I mean a deserted wasteland overrun by zombies. Now, many people who watch The Walking Dead also watch True Blood, a hit show on HBO that is just like HBO’s other hit series Boardwalk Empire, except instead of a Boardwalk, there is a Bayou, and instead of an Empire, there is a loosely-associated monarchy of vampires controlled by The Authority.

I can deal with True Blood because, in essence, it is a show about politics and sex, both of which I can handle. The vampires are totally urbane and sophisticated and intelligent, and have a surprising depth to them, despite their, you know, sociopathic instinct to murder. So for some reason, I thought that The Walking Dead was going to be like True Blood, but that zombies would come with their own rules and operational proceedings. As it turns out, that is not the case at all.

I got through one episode of The Walking Dead – the pilot – and am still freaking out, three weeks after watching it on Time Warner Cable Entertainment On Demand channel 402. I did not know, until that point, that I had anything more to fear in my life, but it turns out I do. Zombies. And, in case you didn’t know, zombies are nothing like vampires. Zombies just walk around like this all the time: (goes slack in face, puts arms slightly in front of body, tilts head to one side, opens mouth, shuffles forward with dead eyes). They don’t have conversations where they relive the fun of the roaring twenties. They don’t bicker awesomely. They are just goddamn zombies.

Now, don’t get me wrong, vampires are scary. After all, they will drain your blood and their fangs are sharp! But, for my money, zombies are MUCH scarier. Here’s why:

1. While a vampire would kill you, he would probably glamour you first, so you wouldn’t feel a thing
2. A zombie, on the other hand, would eat you. That is no good.
3. Even though zombies are pretty easy to kill (you just have to get ‘em in the head!), they travel in GIANT ZOMBIE PACKS and they detect people by sound! Realistically, how many zombies could you hit in the head with a shovel before you got tired? I say I have the energy for two, and then there I’d be, zombies eating my intestines. Bummer!
4. While harder to kill, vampires are also easier to avoid! Just limit yourself to only going out in the daytime, and locking yourself in a silver vault at night. Easy peasy.
5. Zombies might be in your basement right now.
6. Vampires would never be in your basement. Your basement is far too gauche.
7. Vampires would either kill you outright, just take a little blood, or turn you into a vampire, which seems to involve being super rich and gorgeous.
8. If zombies don’t kill you (for example, they might just bite off a piece of your butt), then you turn into a zombie, which entails turning grey and moldy looking and doing the above-mentioned slack-jaw shuffle. NO GOOD!
9. If a vampire just makes a little snack of you, then you can live a totally normal life by taking iron pills and using some hypoallergenic concealer on your bite marks
10. See number 8 regarding zombies. And then, if you turn into a zombie, you have to eat people. And know the Thriller dance by heart!
11. Being scared of zombies is a lot scarier than being scared of vampires. For example, you might be walking your dog at approximately 5:15 in the morning and mistake the guy delivering the New York Times to your more intellectual and liberal neighbors for a zombie. It is criminal the kind of slack jawed shuffle-walkers the New York Times lets deliver newspapers!
12. Vampires would never stoop to paper delivery. Fact.
13. If a vampire was standing behind me right now, and got me with a swift set of fangs to the neck, he would probably finish this post with something like, “I am leaving now forever. Do not try to contact me, imbecile humans.”
14. If a zombie was standing behind me right now and got me with a swift chomp to the torso, he probably wouldhntjkxihyt woiroiyw73r4yoi&EWkjwheroiuOUry(YWk’foliqwu h2y

(Zombies can’t type.)