Thursday, June 2, 2011

Congraduation!

Dear Beloved Son,

Now that you have graduated from high school, and are about to go away to college, I just wanted to provide you with a few tips and hints, gained through my years of life experience. You can take them or leave them, but I guarantee you, if you don’t listen to me, one day, you will find yourself uttering these words: “Oh yes, my mother did mention that would happen.” Don’t say I never told you so.

Tip #1: When you go to college, assume every girl you have sex with has 17 different kinds of STDs and an uncontrollable wish to get pregnant with your baby. Seriously, I don’t care what she says. She has diseases, and she wants to give them to YOU so that you can compare herpes sores or whatever. When a girl says, “It’s taken care of,” in the birth control department, she really means, “I am ovulating right now.” So, if you’re wise, you will use a condom every time you have sex. But don’t have sex.

Tip #2: If you are participating in underage drinking at a party, you will be the one who’s caught. You are taller than everyone else, you stand out in a crowd, and the police have a little rule: if there’s a room full of white kids, arrest the blackest one possible. And that is you, my son. So be smart and don’t bother drinking until you’re 21.

Tip #3: Your friends who tell you how they can skip class and still get all A’s? They are not you. Just go to class.

Tip #4: Remember how you did sports all year round in high school? Keep doing that. There is no need to quit exercising just because you are not doing it in an organized sport. Exercise is good for the soul, and good for the spirit, and it can be a great big benefit to you in college, so keep it up. Also: if you get fat, I will love you less.

Tip #5: When you go away to college and start living on your own and thinking for yourself and whatnot, you may be tempted to think that you are now the smartest person in the world. That is actually not correct. So when you want to tell everyone back home what’s what with migrant workers and the plight of women in the Sudan and organic beet farming, because that’s what you’re learning about at school…..don’t. We all went to college too.

Tip #6: You will be tempted to get a tattoo/pierce your septum/shave your head and have the other half in dreadlocks. Do not give in to that temptation. If you want to show everyone how cool and awesome and radical and alternative you are, do something radical and alternative, like helping the poor. Nobody goes crazy with respect for a pampered kid from the suburbs with a mohawk.

Tip #7: Your friends will say stuff to you like, “Hey, let’s go run naked across campus and jump in the lake!” And you will think that’s a good idea at the time. Okay, fine. But don’t be the guy who gets caught. And see #2 above, about how you will be the guy who gets caught.

Tip #8: Maybe this isn’t as much of a tip as a threat. One day in your first semester, you will meet some 28 year old waitress with a barbed wire tattoo and a navel ring. Her name will be something like Ambre or Misty or Destiny. You will love her and want to marry her. Do not. Destiny is bad news, son. She is always bad news. And you will meet many girls like Destiny in your life. See #1 above re: the diseases that are festering in Destiny as we speak, and see #5 re: how you may not be as smart as you think. I do not want grandchildren who look like they would be at home in a documentary about children of the Ozarks.

Tip #9: If the local news or ESPN come to your school, do not show what a fine, fine education you are getting by ripping off your shirt and standing in front of them making devil’s horns and yelling, “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Do something smart, like quadratic equations.

Tip #10: At the end of the day, I’d much rather you complete your college education with a degree in disco dancing than choose a path that you think is a good strategic move and then drop out because it’s killing your soul. Study what you want in college, and everything else will work out. Unless you want to be a doctor. In that case, you should probably study biology. Or chemistry.

Love,
Mom

3 Comments:

At June 4, 2011 at 5:36 PM , Blogger liz said...

Good one! Can't believe you could be a grandmother in a little over a year! Well at least you'll have Jude's old room available. Best wishes to you both.

 
At June 5, 2011 at 1:51 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful and funny. I hope Jude pats attention to every word and thanks you- which will probably take about four years.

 
At June 5, 2011 at 3:28 PM , Anonymous Michelle kline said...

I will keep this and give it to my son when he goes to college. He may be confused about the " blackest" part, but I like to keep him guessing. Congrats to you and Jude! You must be a proud mama!

 

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