Top Five Deserted Island Songs

I don’t know about you, but I would say about 30% of my mental energy is spent making emergency desert island decisions. I am serious. I just know that, one day, I am going to be delivered a note with the following instructions:

IN ONE HOUR, YOU WILL BE EXILED TO A DESERTED ISLAND. THERE IS NO CHOICE. IF YOU ARE NOT READY, YOU WILL DIE. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW THE RULES, YOU WILL DIE. IF YOU FOLLOW THE RULES, YOUR FAMILY WILL BE SPARED. YOU WILL BE SAFE ON THE DESERT ISLAND, BUT ISOLATED FROM HUMANITY FOREVER–EVER-EVER-EVER.

RULES:
1. You may only take five comfort items.
2. You may only take five books.
3. You may only take five pictures.
4. You may only take five items of clothing.
5. You may only take five songs.

I could knock out the first four items on this list in about five minutes. As long as I have my giant blue sweatpants, Gone with the Wind, and the ONE picture of me where I look thin AND pretty, I’m good to go. The last item, on the other hand...that’s a decision that I’ve agonized over.

My mental process for determining if a song makes the list is simple: the song has to be something I am willing to listen to, twenty times a day at least, for the rest of my life. Just think about that! There have been many excellent songs to consider. I love the Police, I love the sound of Sting’s voice, and they have a number of excellent songs. But none that I could listen to every day for the rest of my life. I think that “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins is a work of art (yes, I'm serious, asshole - don't pretend that you don't love it, too). But if I had to listen to it twenty times a day, I would hang myself from the nearest coconut tree within a week. I love Bonnie Raitt, but her music is too straightforward to make it to the desert island. Let’s face it, listening to shit all day long is what has made me, my couch, and silence a long-lasting trio. My tolerance is low, people.

Surprisingly, however, a number of songs have come close to being on the list. A lot of them are by Ben Folds, who sings from the heart, writes great lyrics, and can play the piano like a possessed motherfucker. At this point, however, Ben has not made the cut. Same with my beloved Pete Townshend and The Who. Their bodies of work are amazing, but ultimately, not desert island amazing ("Slit Skirts" may sneak in as a last-minute panic replacement, though. You never know.) John Mayer actually came close to making the list, but I cannot get over the whole “Jessica Simpson is sexual napalm” and “I have a racist dick” thing, so he is exiled from the desert island on a moral clause. Tough luck, Mayer. Maybe you’ll think before you speak next time.

Each time I think I have my list set, I think of another song that I’m pretty sure I can’t live without, and I imagine myself, on my desert island, disconsolate because I forgot The Most Important Song. But, if I’m exiled to a desert island in the next five minutes, here’s the list:

Todd Rundgren – "Hope I’m Around" – This one was easy. If I could kidnap Todd Rundgren, chain him to a piano and make him sing songs to me all day, I would seriously consider it. I had a friend say to me one time, “I tried that whole Todd Rundgren thing, but I just don’t think he’s great.” That friend no longer has a torso. Coincidence?

The Replacements – "Unsatisfied" – ‘Mats fans will debate their greatest songs forever, but everyone has a soft spot for this one. And in the end, I don’t think anyone ever CAN tell Paul Westerberg that he’s satisfied. But he can continue to ask.

Branford Marsalis Quartet – "Lykief" – The only way that I will ever fully understand the depth of brilliance in this song is if I listen to it twenty times a day for the rest of my life.

Yo Yo Ma, Edgar Mayer and Mark O’Connor – "First Impressions" – If you listen to this song, you’ll understand.

The Pretenders – "Brass in Pocket" – You ARE special, Chrissie.