...but I love you

I just learned about the show Tosh.0 a few months ago, and it made me really sad to realize everything I had been missing. So I’ve DVR’d reruns and have been watching them. Recently, I saw that Daniel Tosh made an “I hate” video, where he just listed everything he hates. He then invited his viewers to respond. I think I’m too late for that, but boy, I can think of a LOT of things I hate. So I’m just going to let my list fly. Here goes:

I hate when people post song lyrics as their status on Facebook
I hate crazy people who approach me on the street but don’t let on that they’re crazy until, like, two minutes in.
I hate the word “classy”.
I hate saltwater taffy. That shit is gross.
I hate when Oates sings. Leave the singing to Hall.
I hate the people who asked me if my son was retarded when they saw him dancing.
I hate tattoos, in case you haven’t heard.
I hate when really fat people send their food back at restaurants.
And speaking of Daniel Tosh, I hate that Tosh has such a cute face, but such a hideous body.
I hate when people say, “Swearing is the tool of the unimaginative”. Fuck you. Swearing is the tool of the awesome.
I hate Schnauzers. They look like Hitler.
I hate every episode of Three’s Company.
I hate when grown men say “panties” or “boner”.
I hate people who say, “You’re so funny, you should do standup.” There’s a difference between being a comedian and just being mean. I’m the mean one.
I hate my mother’s obsession with skinny dipping.
I hate people who read my blog but don’t comment on it. Would it kill you to give it a thumbs up?
I hate men who have beards but not moustaches. Yeah, I’m talking to you, C. Everett Koop.
I hate saying “baby” after “Vegas”.
I hate people who don’t pronounce “especially” correctly.
I hate that arrogant douchebag Curt Schilling. Stop talking and get your ass on a Stairmaster.
I hate people who won’t shut up about how great bacon is.
I hate Goose. He was a terrible wingman.
I hate when people say “Turkey Day.” Is “Thanksgiving” just too complicated for you?
I hate people who take things out of the microwave early and leave the display flashing at :17.
I hate that the kids in Degrassi no longer have Canadian accents.
I hate Lil Wayne’s terrible, monstrous face.
I hate people who say that Ambien is bad for you.
I hate when old people looked shocked that I’m giving them the finger on the highway.
I hate men who say, “We’re pregnant!!!!!”
I hate when my son tells me to lay off the wine. No, you lay off the wine.
I hate Nicholas Sparks.
I hate days that are sunny and windy. It confuses me.
I hate the people who live two houses down from me. They are fucking assholes.
I hate that I can’t figure out a way to say how much I hate people who clasp their hands like they’re praying and bow instead of saying “thank you” because it’s just one of those things that you have to show people. But I really really hate that.
I hate that, the minute I post this list, I’m going to think of ten better things to say. But it’s too late now.