Happy Halloween!

Several years ago, I had a couple of little trick-or-treaters come to my house. The little girl, probably in second grade or so, was basically dressed like a Pussycat Doll, and the little guy, maybe a third-grader, was wearing a tiny suit, a little fedora, and carrying, like a cane or something. They were adorable, but I couldn’t figure out what they were.

“What are you dressed as?” I asked them.

“I’m a pimp and she’s one of my girls!” the boy said proudly.

So, anyway, I’d like to talk a little bit about things I don’t want to see this Halloween:

1. Inappropriate costumes. No Casey Anthony, no hookers and pimps, no three year olds in Lady Gaga costumes. There's not a lot about this that's difficult to figure out.
2. Adults trick-or-treating. Get your freeloading ass to Target and get your own damn candy.
3. Kids who are not in costume. I don’t want you coming up to my porch and holding out your pillowcase if you can’t at least throw a sheet on and be a ghost.
4. Babies “trick or treating.” See #2 above re: Target and the wide variety of candy available to freeloading adults.
5. Children who have not learned the following phrases: “Trick or treat!” and “Thank you.” Listen, I get that Facebook has actually ruined your ability to interact in actual human society, but this whole trick or treat thing is a transaction. You come up to my house and say “Trick or treat.” I then give you candy. You then say, “Thank you.” I can’t work with you if you don’t do your part.
6.My neighbors. Not my immediate neighbors, but the ones next to them. Every beggar’s night, they have ten equally douchey friends come sit on their porch and guzzle beer like there’s no tomorrow. Over the course of an hour, their interactions with innocent children become progressively louder and more inappropriate until, an hour in, they lose interest and go inside. They’re, like, 26 years old and don’t get the fact that trick-or-treating isn’t about them.
7. Bad candy. I can’t understand why someone would go to the trouble of buying candy and passing it out if it isn’t going to be good. Off-brand chocolate? Black and orange jellybeans? Starlight mints? Banana taffy? So hateful.
8. Parents who take their kids trick or treating with a cigarettes in one hand and a beer in the other. Geez, it's two hours of your life. Lay off the sauce and pay attention to your kids.
9. Parents who force their children’s costume to be a political statement. Nobody wants to see your Global Warming costume. These are the same parents who make their children sit on Santa’s lap and ask for world peace. Just shut up and let your kid be Freddy Krueger.
10. Sassy children. You are eight years old. You have no job. I am giving you candy. Watch your mouth.