Afraid to Fly

I always tell people, “I’m not afraid of flying, I’m afraid of dying,” and that’s the truth. Especially dying from a fiery explosion in the sky, or, even worse, hurtling toward the ground at an unrecoverable speed. Neither of those seem awesome to me. I want to die in my sleep, like a wimp.

But I must fly, because that’s just a practical reality of the world. Now, that’s not to say that I fly unassisted. I have devised a 34-step process that helps me get through the act of flying. It helps me, so maybe it will help you.

1. Book flight. Be sure to book window seat directly over wing. A pilot friend of mine told me that’s the best place to sit, in terms of feeling in control, and having a fixed object to focus on. Note, this seat can backfire in the event that a monster lands on the wing, a la Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. Gah! So scary!

2. By the way, make sure that you don’t fly on a Sunday before 1:00 pm, at least out of Ohio. The airport bars cannot serve liquor before then.

3. Start worrying in advance. Two weeks is good. Obsess about flight and everything that can go wrong.

4. Call doctor. Ask what is legal limit she can prescribe for flight-anxiety medication.

5. Further inquire about highest safe dosage that can be taken at one time.

6. Mention that alcohol will likely be consumed.

7. Start telling people that you’re flying somewhere, and that you probably will not make it out alive. Don’t worry about annoying them – people love to hear this kind of thing!

8. Assemble flying outfit. Find cutest possible pair of shoes, as God does not like to see an adorable pair of peep-toe heels burned up in fiery inferno.

9. Day of flight – ensure that you have necessary travelling accessories: rosary, flight meds, distracting magazine for takeoff, watch with second hand, Sudoku book for distraction if meds and booze make reading impractical, iPod (distraction during flight), laptop (same), trashy novel that’s not so trashy that the person next to you reading over your shoulder will be offended by liberal use of phrases like “throbbing manhood” (same).

10. Call friend who is driving you to airport to request that she bring booze in a sippy cup for car ride to airport, as you are not much of a regular drinker, do not have a stash of the hard stuff, but do not think that you can make it into the terminal without.

11. On way out door to airport: take smallish dose of legally prescribed anti-anxiety medication.

12. At door of airport: compose self. Remind self NOT to walk up to strangers and announce, “I am really scared!” Also: the TSA people don’t care, either. Just give them your shoes and leave them alone.

13. Get through screening and find airport bar. Your kind live there. It is a full one-half scared people and one-half married men who are travelling for their job and looking for a hooker. Avoid the hooker guys.

14. Before going to gate, stop at airport store and make emergency panic purchases. Another magazine. Some Mentos gum. A thing of Reese cups that you, in your increasing panic, eat while standing at the counter, and which cost $4.50.

15. At your gate, if you’re flying on an airline that does not let you select your seat ahead of time, tell gate attendants, without slurring your words at all, that you are under a doctor’s care for flight anxiety, and that you need to pre-board. They will let you, and you can get a seat over the wing.

16. Granted, sitting next to you may be two ten-year old boys who ask you questions like, “How old are you?” and “Why are you drinking wine at ten in the morning?” The good news is that they will not judge you.

17. On the other hand, you may be sitting next to a person who describes himself as a “fundamentalist survivalist,” and who will spend the entire flight telling you how buying a water purifier, a 40 pound bag of millet and a handgun will help you survive the imminent apocalypse. The good news about this guy is that he will not care that you are drunk.

18. Or, you could sit in first class, which is great, but is generally not over the wing. THE WING IS KEY TO SURVIVAL!

19. Just before boarding, take a reasonable-sized dose of anti-anxiety flight medication and one piece of Mentos gum.

20. Board flight at last possible moment if seat is reserved. Do not introduce yourself to co-flyers as “the scared one.” Offer gum to seatmates. Wonder where your Reese cups are.

21. Ignore pre-flight message from flight attendants re: what to do in an emergency. Refuse to even acknowledge. Too scary. If travelling with companion, tell companion that, in the event of an emergency, you will be the one crying and peeing her pants.

22. At moment plane starts toward runway, start praying. Try not to be too demanding of God – just request safe passage to destination. Mention that turbulence, weird sounds, and sudden, unexpected drops would also be counterproductive. Promise that you will provide Him with some free publicity via your blog.

23. At moment of takeoff, glance at watch, noting where second hand is.

24. Close eyes, clutch rosary, and pray like the dickens.

25. Sometimes, at this point, it is helpful to have a nun sitting across the aisle from you. She will pray with you and be very comforting.

26. Fundamentalist survivalists, on the other hand, will not even notice what you are doing, and will be telling you about first failed marriage.

27. Check second hand on watch. When 90 seconds have elapsed, breathe cautious sigh of relief, but continue to clutch rosary.

28. At 150 seconds, be guardedly optimistic. You have made it through “danger zone” and the likelihood of plane crashing has decreased significantly.

29. Order wine, ignoring disappointed looks from ten-year-old seatmates, who have decided that you are suitable friend material.

30. Relax until beginning of descent. If only going to layover, plan when to take next anti-anxiety medication and plan strategy for hitting layover bar.

31. On descent, make sure to gasp loudly every time it sounds like the engine has stalled.

32. Keep an eye on the ground to evaluate when it would be okay for you to safely jump out of the plane without a parachute.

33. Upon touchdown, kiss rosary, give sincere thanks to God and skilled pilots, and give ten-year-old boys Sudoku book as token of friendship.

34. Pull out cell phone when permitted, and type status into Facebook: “ALIVE IN (YOUR CITY HERE)!”