Go Bucks.

During my childhood, there was exactly one framed picture of the children hanging on the walls of our house. There were two pictures of Woody Hayes. I’m not complaining, I’m just telling it like it is: I am a Buckeye by nature and by nurture. No autumn Saturday has passed in my lifetime that I haven’t either been watching the Buckeyes, listening on the radio, or on a quest to find out the score of the game. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. I can make myself cry just by thinking of Woody Hayes dotting the “i” in script Ohio in 1983. I will never forget when Keith Byars lost his shoe in 1984. Remember Art Schlichter before he ruined his life? I do. I was in an English class with Troy Smith as an undergrad and I told EVERYONE. And people cared, because I am surrounded by fellow Buckeyes. We get it.

But.

Here are a few requests, fellow Buckeyes:

1. Stop referring to the sports teams as “we”. As in “We just scored an amazing touchdown!” or “We need to do a better job on special teams.” First of all, there’s no “we” in team. Second of all, the collective “we” are a bunch of fatasses, who could not throw a football ten fucking yards, much less to someone else. WE have got to stop pretending that WE are on the team and WE have got to give credit to the athletes who are actually doing it. I swear to God, if I hear you say “we” in relation to people who you are watching on television, I will tackle you so hard you will wish you were wearing pads.

2. Stop acting like you work for ESPN and that anyone cares about your in-depth analysis of the game. Let’s suffice it to say that if you had any talent at this, you would be working in the sports field instead of…you know…at that building. Where you work. And, by the way, I understand that you dominate in NCAA Football 2004 – 2011. That does not actually give you know-how, either on the coaching end or the playing end. Stop playing video games and get some fresh air. It’s good for you.

3. Remember how young these football players actually are. Many of them are still teenagers. They are just barely adults, they are not professional athletes, and they have never signed a contract stating that they are personally responsible to YOU for your happiness. They have left their homes, and are now responsible for getting themselves up in the morning, going to class, managing their time, learning plays, doing their athletic training, studying, making friends, making sure they have clean underwear, growing up, meeting their coaches expectations, figuring out their way around campus, etc. etc. Please do not make their life harder by sending them death threats because they dropped a pass.

4. And do not pass judgment on them if they happen to speak differently from you. Not all people grew up in the suburbs, and just because they say “youknowwhatI’msaying” every other word does not mean that any of these kids are stupid. They have to learn their position, they have to learn their offense or defense, they have to watch hours of tape, and study other players, and then they have to assimilate all of this information together so that they can, in a matter of a few seconds, put it into action when the ball snaps. They are not stupid. And it’s offensive and condescending when you say that a black player is “articulate” just because he talks like a white guy.

5. Put your garbage in a trash can. I often go running across campus and down High Street early on Sunday mornings. The sea of garbage is amazing. People finish a drink, food, whatever, and - -Poof! - - drop the container on the ground, like we live in some sort of Harry Potter world where Professor Sprout will turn it into a topiary or something like that. No points for you, Gryffindor, that’s not what happens at all. The University and the city have to use resources to get your mess cleaned up, at the expense of students, ticketholders and taxpayers. I don’t think you’d like someone to come to a party at your house and then burn your couch at midnight, so you should do your bit and find a trash can. My God, it’s not like anyone’s asking you to re-sod the field.

6. Drink like a grown-up. Don’t elbow your way to where Kirk Herbstreit and Lee Corso are sitting just to yell “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” as loud as you can - think of something clever for the love of God. Do not hit on college girls – they’re not interested in you. Don’t be rude to the other team’s fans, unless they support Michigan. Assign a designated driver. Don’t you dare say a bad word about Maurice Clarett because that kid turned the 2002 National Championship game around for the Buckeyes. Be a fan, even if they lose a game…I am certain that the team actually feels worse about it than you.

Okay, I think I’ve said everything that needs to be said. It’s going to be a beautiful autumn, and this team is going to do us proud. Go Bucks.