Thank You In Advance

I keep telling the people I know that I am going to be crazy when I’m studying for the bar exam, and that, if they know what’s good for them, they will just stay away from me. People generally think I’m kidding, but I assure you, I am warning you for your own good. Because I care. My son’s no dummy; on my strong recommendation, he got a summer job three hours from here. But for those of you who are not fortunate enough to be far away from me during the months of May, June, and July, here are a few tips:


1. Don’t ever say to me, “Oh, you’re going to do great.” In fact, don’t say that to anyone who is studying for the bar. No one is guaranteed to do great. It’s a tough test. People study for it for months like it is their job. Oh, and if you’ve already passed the bar and say something like, “Meh, it’s no big deal,” I will never speak to you again. Sorry. I’m crazy.

2. Do not confuse me. About anything. I can only follow simple commands right now. Please do not give me instructions for something that’s going to happen three weeks from now if this certain event happens but not this event, and you really just want me to be aware or keep my eyes open, or whatever. Too much unnecessary information.

3. Whatever you do, do not give me candy. We all have addictions, and candy is my crack. When I get on a roll, I am literally eating candy from the minute I wake up until ten seconds before I brush my teeth at night. Nobody wants to see a strung out candy junkie. Alternately, if you have given me candy, expect me to growl at you until you go away, devour it all, and then call you, demanding more. I’m not even lying.

4. Don’t tell me stories about people you know who were stupid all during law school and passed the bar without studying. Those people are faking you out. I am guessing that a fair share of stupid people pass the bar, but nobody passes without studying. And trust me, I have grave concerns about being smart enough to pass WITH studying.

5. Further, don’t say, “Oh, if you flunk it, you can always take it again.” I am not taking this thing again.

6. Don’t ask me to pick you up from the airport. I will pick you up from the airport every day in August, but please do not call in any favors in May, June, or July. Seriously. Don’t ask me to watch your dog, come to your kid’s recital, participate in a quick online survey, read an article in the newspaper or respond to your text messages. I can’t be trusted. Look at me - I eat candy like crack. Do you really want me on the road?

7. Conversely, do not ever say, “Hmmm….I thought you were supposed to be studying” if you see me posting on Facebook, at the gym, watching baseball, or drinking at a bar. My study schedule is just like the plan in Oceans 11 – everything is timed to the minute. You can be damned sure that, if I am at a bar, it is because the schedule tells me to go there.

8. Do not tell me to relax. It is not going to happen. Not now, not after the bar, not ever.

9. Also, when I, in a very unrelaxed way, tell you that I’m probably going to flunk the bar, please do not say, “Oh, you’ll be fine.” I might have a stroke if you do. Instead, just say, “Wow, it sounds like you’re really worried,” and maybe pat me on the shoulder comfortingly or something.

10. Do not ask me about my future. My future is to take the bar exam. And then go drinking with my friend Emily. And then watch the Olympics.

11. Please do not decide that this is the time to confront me about that thing that you’ve always hated about me, tell me that I have a fatal disease, need extensive dental work, or that my real father was the washing-machine repair guy. Kindly wait until August to drop the bomb. Thank you.