What's Your Sign?

You could not make me love astrology more than I do, because astrology is the real reason for all of our voyages to space.  That is the truth.  Here are the astrological signs, Cats with Knives-style: 

Capricorn – On a cold winter night, you would like to stay inside and count your rice.  Your practical nature makes you boring, but your ambitious side gives you that psychopath edge.  No one knows what you’re thinking.  I mean, no one cares, but no one knows.  Annoying.

Aquarius – You are eccentric, but not the cool Lady Gaga kind.  You’re more of the Mary Todd Lincoln eccentric.  You see art in everything, and can often be found selling junk at Boneroo.  Annoying.

Pisces – You are both imaginative and unpredictable, meaning that you imagine that all kinds of crazy stuff is going down about you, and then, God knows what you might do.  You might do nothing.  You might kill the person.  Who knows?  You’re a Pisces.  Annoying.

Aries – Everyone knows an Aries that they hate.  Because an Aries will tell you something with all the confidence in the world, and it will turn out to be a total and complete load of bull, supported only by a kernel of incorrect information and an excess of overconfidence.  So annoying. 

Taurus – So, um….Taurus…..the horoscope people really don’t say anything good about you.  Here are their words: “possessive, greedy, explosive, jealous.”  That’s harsh, Taurus.  Maybe you should do something explosive about it. 

Gemini – A Gemini thinks he or she is waaaaaaaaaaay more charming than he or she actually is.  You know those girls in college who were always like, “I am so drunk, guys!  I am seriously so drunk!” and then end up hijacking a bathroom for an hour at the end of the night so that they can have a crying jag that is attended by no fewer than seven girls and one boy who was only hoping to get laid?  Yeah, that girl is a Gemini.  Annoying. 

Cancer – The best thing anyone can say about you is that you’re moody.  Your sign isn’t even represented by a planet.  This is so pathetic, Cancer.  Also: the internet describes you as morose, clingy, living in the past, and needy.  Partay! 

Leo – Arrogant, bossy, intolerant, self-centered, demanding: in other words: AWESOME!   You are so much more fun than those killjoy Cancers.  Not annoying.

Virgo – Just like Aries, but with a nicer smile.     Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury, which we all know was named after the lead singer of Queen.  Furthermore, Virgo’s sign is the Virgin, which is a laugh, because Virgos are notoriously slutty.  I mean friendly.  Annoying. 

Libra – Libras are a mixed bag.  On one hand, they’re even-tempered peacemakers.  On the other hand, I have known some crazy Libras in my day.  A full third of my family is Libra, which explains a lot about why I need so much therapy.  Annoying. 

Scorpio – They are, like, the villains of the astrological world.  A Scorpio would totally ask you for a blowjob on the first date.  Also: Charles Manson is a Scorpio.  No offense.  More awful than annoying.

Sagittarius – I have NEVER met anyone who says, “I am a Sagittarius.”  Seriously.  Is this even a real astrological sign?  Wikipedia says Sagittarians are born between November 22 and December 21, and they are outgoing, action-oriented, and spontaneous.  This is the one time that I believe Wikipedia has steered us all wrong.  Sagittarians are the fake state of the astrological world, much like the state of Delaware, where only Vice Presidents and bogus corporations are from.  Annoying!