Low self-esteem translator

I have heard that there are people in the world who actually walk around feeling like they are perfectly good people, and that, whoever they are, the world is okay with that.


I have never been one of those people.

Instead, I’ve always been one of those people who is crippled by self-doubt, convinced that everything is about one second from going to hell in a hand basket, and who is certain that, if the hand basket does, in fact, go to hell, it’s going to be all my fault. I don’t think I’m alone here. In fact, a lot of people I know – good friends – feel the same way. But for those of you who are the beneficiaries of normal self-esteem, confidence, and a general feeling that the world will love you, come what may, here are some helpful translations from what you say to what a person like me hears:

1. You did a great job! = I am going to ignore the thing you messed up.
2. You look great! = Before, you looked terrible.
3. You are the sweetest person in the world = I am sorry that you are so ugly.
4. You are really smart = I am sorry that you are so ugly.
5. You’re so funny = I am sorry that you are so ugly.
6. You’re pretty = (radio static)
7. I like your shoes = But oh my God, your skirt makes me want to punch you.
8. It was great seeing you = I can’t wait to tell my friends about what a freak you are.
9. Have you ever thought about trying Match.com? = Nobody who knows you would ever date you.
10. Where do you get all your energy? = Why don’t you just chill for a second, spaz?
11. I would have never thought of that! = Wow, you must be insane!
12. I am proud of you = But it’s not like you’re Michael Phelps or anything. I mean, do you even have ONE gold medal?
13. You look great for your age = You still look old.
14. When I grow up, I want to be like you = Except, you know, successful.
15. God bless you = Stop sneezing.
16. Congratulations! = You got lucky!
17. You tried your best = So disappointing. So very, very disappointing.
18. Have you lost weight? = You seemed fat the last time I saw you.
19. Wow! That is a really good picture of you! = You do not look like this in real life!
20. I love your blog = I used to love your blog. Lately…