Things You Shouldn't Say to New Moms

This week has been the week of unintentionally inappropriate comments. I don’t know if it’s stress, or nerves, or just wrong place, wrong time, but I have put my foot in my mouth repeatedly. One group I have managed not to offend this week is new mothers and babies. And I don’t plan to, either. So here are some things that I will definitely, unequivocally, NOT be saying to new mommies any time in the near future:

1. (Pointing at the baby) What is that thing?
2. Oh, wow, that baby has serial killer eyes!
3. Welcome to the world, Devil’s spawn!
4. So when are you going to lose the rest of that weight?
5. Are you nursing? Can I watch?
6. This kid has absolutely zero personality.
7. That baby’s head is HUGE. Does it fall over a lot?
8. (Follow up to the huge head comment) I bet that thing really stretched you out….down there
9. Jesus, that thing stinks!
10. Can I touch its soft spot?
11. Awwww….I LOVE ugly babies!
12. Are you worried that this outfit is going to turn him gay?
13. He looks like one of the Blue Man Group!
14. (To your white friends) Why did you give your baby a black person name?
15. (To your black friends) Why doesn’t your baby’s name start with “La?”
16. (To mom) Hi, Julie! (To baby) Hi, Baby Lord Voldemort!
17. Is he well-endowed?
18. That’s nice that you’re still able to wear your maternity clothes.
19. So, who’s the father?
20. Wow! That is one unique-looking baby!
21. I bet my dog would really like to play with your baby.
22. Have you ever thought about taking a parenting class?
23. (Taking baby from mom) I really like them when they’re small enough to punt.
24. Do you think this baby would like to have a drink with me some time?
25. Listen, this baby’s gender is really confusing me, so I’m just going to call it “It,” okay?
26. Now that it’s all over, do you sort of wish you would have gotten an abortion?
27. (accusingly) This baby looks like Herman Cain.
28. I see a future waiting tables at Chili’s for this little guy!