Everything I Ever Needed to Know

I have a book at home called Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten. It talks about basic tenets of responsible community behavior that all of us learned as very small children, but that are still applicable today. Here’s the Cats with Knives version:

If you’re going to back into a parking space, don’t be a jerk about it - We all probably know someone who makes parking a twenty minute experience because, rather than park head-in in a parking space, they choose to back in. Good on them, as long as they can do it. All too often, however, people hold up everyone else trying to park by taking twenty minutes to back into their space. These people need to do one of two things: get better at backing in, or stop being a control freak and just park head-in.

Clean up after yourself – I don’t care whether you’re in a public restroom or in a local McDonalds – if you spill, drip, or otherwise make a mess, clean it up. It is rude, gross and weird not to do so. Also: if you take the last donut in a box, throw the box away. Not that I have recent, sad personal experience with that lately or anything.

Don’t say mean things about other peoples’ mothers – Anyone who knows me knows that I have a ton of hilarious stories to tell about my mother. Some are true, some are gross exaggerations. In any event, while it’s perfectly okay for ME to imply that my mother considers a “martini,” to be a tumbler full of gin and a straw, it is totally not okay for anyone else to tell that story. When I say it, it’s funny. When other people say it, it’s mean.

Say ‘Hi’ to strangers – No need in this world to walk by people, pretending that you don’t see them. Look people in the eye, smile at them, and say, “hi.” After all, you never know when you’re going to choke on a cough drop and need the Heimlich.

Be extravagant with “thank you” waves – If someone lets you in on the road, give them the biggest, most enthusiastic thank-you wave you can muster. Wave like a Muppet. No one has to let you in, so reward people for their kindness. There is absolutely no possibility of making the world a worse place by giving an unnecessary thank you wave, so even if you’re not sure the circumstances warrant it, just do it.

Do not blame the internet for your misinformation – Some member of the Indiana legislature is currently stating that the Girl Scouts of America are promoting communism, abortion and lesbianism, because his sister-in-law totally read about it on the internet. Listen, any of us could find support any cockamamie story we wanted to believe on the internet. That doesn’t make it factual, and it is no excuse for you to entrench yourself in beliefs that your better angels would tell you are untrue.

Stop talking about your kids’ food allergies – C’mon.

Just be nice – The easy thing to do when something terrible happens is to point fingers and talk about what people should have known better not to do. The more difficult thing is to continue to demonstrate compassion, even if you disagree with how others acted. Whether it’s Kim Kardashian, Joe Paterno, Rick Santorum, or those awful poor people who are always taking all of our tax dollars, realize that you don’t know the intricacies of other peoples’ hearts and souls, and your finger pointing and condemnation does nothing to benefit them or make the world a better place. There are things you have control over. You have the power to be good and kind to the people you see every day. Don’t be afraid to use that power.