Worst First Dates

While it is sort of an unspoken fact that, if you cross me, I will make you wish you’d never been born, on the whole, I’m a pretty nice girl.


But I cannot stand bad dates. I really can’t – especially since they are so avoidable. In my mind, on a date, you have to really just follow a few simple rules: act normal, be polite, and tell funny stories. Even I can manage that for a few hours. Here are some things that you probably should not do. Caveat: only some of these are mine. Some of them I have stolen from friends. But they are all real.

1. Say the following phrase: “Squirrel tastes really good.”

2. Wear a Run DMC-sized gold cross. I mean, unless you’re in Run DMC.

3. Give parenting advice, especially if you have never been a parent.

4. Offer to show your scars.

5. Say, “What I really like about you is that your ass is smaller than your boobs.”

6. Ask your date if she needs to go to the bathroom.

7. Talk about your ex wife. Or wives. And how one of them possibly tried to kill you.

8. And while you’re at it, do not describe your honeymoon with the aforementioned wife in stunning detail, including the hotel you stayed in in Stuttgart.  Nobody cares.

9. Say that your ideal future career would probably be “making bombs.”*

10. Drink too much.

11. Drink too little.

12. Suggest that you close out the evening at the club. The strip club.

13. Act disapproving when your date tells you that she is the descendant of a long line of 90-year-old, Cadillac-driving, chain-smoking, gin-martini-drinking women. (Two heart pounds and a peace sign.)

14. Bring The Book of Questions, open it up, and start asking random questions.

15. Discuss how you were unfairly terminated from your previous place of employment. But then be really sketchy about why.

16. Say, “You would be perfect, except for that mole on your forehead.”

17. Mention how you broke up with your ex-girlfriend because she gave you the herps. Yes, the herps.

18. Further admit that you were currently “sort of stalking” this same ex.

19. Insist that your date get a doggie bag, because otherwise, “That would be wasting.”

20. Ask about your date’s favorite sexual position. (Answer: anything that’s not with you.)

21. Comment on how your date, “Doesn’t seem to care about her physical well-being,” and then not get the hint when the date proceeds to order the most expensive thing on the menu and then ignore it, instead choosing to stare laser beams at your head the entire dinner.

22. Bring your own cocaine.


* I believe my response was, "Well, it's nice to have goals."