Most Entertaining Headlines

I don’t have a lot of time, but I love to know what the hell is going on in the world, so I rely on the headlines to keep me up-to-date. Lately, though, I don’t know what’s happening: if the headline writers are trying to punk us, or if this is their genuine effort. But I wanted to share a few with you that I gathered from my favorite sources: USAToday.com, MSNBC.com and NYTimes.com. This is just two days worth of headlines.

Santorum Packs them in in New Hampshire – Given the whole “just Google Santorum” thing, someone must have been chuckling as they wrote that one.
Woman Uses Moustache as Disguise to Steal from Neighbors – I knew that would work!
Not as Many Dead Blackbirds in Arkansas Town this Year – Awesome! Not as many zombies in Lake Erie this year either!
Penis Tattoo Gives Guy Permanent Erection – I…I just don’t…(shakes head)
Positive Jobs Report Interrupts Campaign – This was actually a misleading one. Nobody interrupted their campaign, temporarily struck dumb by a lack of bad news. What they actually meant was, “Good economic news stumps headline writers.”
Jobless Rates for Young and Female Vets Climbs – OK, this was my mistake. I thought this was referring to veterinarians, not veterans.
Justin Bieber Shows off New Tattoo of Jesus – When is he going to go away? Bieber, I mean.
Weight Watchers Forgives Charles Barkley – They are forgiving one fat person at a time.
Romney Says No to Obama’s “Big, Bad Things” – No, it’s not what you think. They are actually talking about Obama’s balls. His big, bad balls.
“The Hoff” just Loves his Celebrity Crabs – no surprise there.
Is OK for Hoda to Wear Winter White? What the fuck does this even mean? Is OK?
How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body – Save yourselves! Get back on the couch!
Big Study Links Good Teachers to Lasting Gain – Ooooooh, an exposé!
The Other Reason Europe is Going Broke – Let me guess: they’re spending all of their time on Pinterest.
Mexico’s Election Draws Eyes from Across Border – Aw man! First they steal our jobs, and now they’re stealing our eyes?
Giving Turnips a Second Look – Nooooooo! That’s just what they want!
What China Can Teach Europe – Answer: Chinese.