Prison Tattoos

As you know, I am not a fan of the tattoo. Personally, I think it’s like putting a Shrek iron-on right in the middle of your beautiful 1000-count Egyptian cotton sheets, but I get that other people think it’s like putting Van Gogh’s Water Lilies up in their very own living room. To each his own.

The thing that makes me think I am right, however, is the fact that tattoos are popular among a certain set of people. The awesome? You ask. No. Prisoners. Prisoners, I imagine, have the greatest per capita skin coverage of tattoos in the world. Maybe the Maoris have more, but let’s leave them out of this. And I know this, because one of my favorite shows, Lockup, recently aired a show all about prison tattoos.

Have you ever seen prison tattoos? They’re stupid. I mean, really stupid. First, there are the teardrops. These symbolize that the wearer has killed someone. Or the number of years they have served in prison. Or that they have lost a loved one, like a fellow gang member. They are on the face, which I think is an especially bad place for a tattoo. That shit is permanent, y’all.

Then there are the gang tattoos. Do you know what a really popular prison gang is? The Aryan Nation. So those morons get valknuts and swastikas permanently tattooed on their bodies, so that their children, and their children’s childrens' children can all see what a fucking idiot their grandfather was. But if you ask them, they say, “I need to represent.”

And swastikas are not the only gang insignia. Neta, Black Guerilla Family, Mexican Mafia, La Nuestra Familia, Texas Syndicate….they each have their own ridiculous insignia, usually done in those weird gothic-y letters that are supposed to be….menacing? It just makes me think that someone recently stayed at a Knights Inn. Remember those? They had purple drapes. So fucking tacky.

Prison tattoos sometimes involve creeds that are so outside of reality, they just make you shake your head. For example, “Only God Can Judge Me.” Actually, friend, judges and juries can judge you, too. That’s why you’re in prison. Also: “Hard Times Don’t Last.” This is sort of a circular argument. If you have this tattoo on your body, then you’re going to always be reminded of your hard times, making them live on eternally…right?

And, last but certainly not least, are the themes of torture, both physical and sexual, that are played out on these peoples’ bodies. Knives dripping blood. Women with giant knockers getting it from behind from a demon. Evil babies chopping off the heads of innocent teddy bears. (I swear to God, that’s what it was. And it was on a guy’s head!) Mythical creatures with horns and fangs. This fucking thing. And often, these pictures are right next to a picture of the Madonna, or Jesus in his crown of thorns, or their child’s name. Do you see what I’m saying, people? These are the people who think that tattoos are cool!

So, whatever, I know I can’t stop you from getting inked up. But this is my only request. Next time you think of getting a tattoo, instead donate the money you would have spent to one of these groups that sends books to prisoners. After all, don’t you want prisoners to be more like you, instead of you being more like them?