Not a Fan of Tebow

Last night, in the AFC Divisional playoffs, the Denver Broncos took on the New England Patriots. Now normally, who to cheer for would be an easy decision for me; I can’t stand Bill Belichick, and I loathe Tom Brady for oh-so-many reasons, most of which involve the whole state of Michigan. But there was one thing that was standing in my way of what would normally be such an easy decision: Tim Tebow.

Now, I know some of you are saying, “Aw, it’s another one of those people who hates Tim Tebow just because he’s an out-and-proud Christian.” I would like to disagree with you. I don’t like Tim Tebow because he’s a proselytizing doofus, who reduces Christianity to a series of meaningless gestures.

Before I go on, I just want to make one thing clear: people who are religious are a-ok in my book. My life is based on the things I learned in church, so I don’t begrudge anyone the practice of their own religion. Although I don’t know him, I suspect that Tebow is a decent enough dude. He seems to love his mom, and people who know him appear to like him. Also, he seems to be getting a raw deal with a number of the sports media and general public, who continue to insist that the guy sucks at football. He was an extremely successful college quarterback, and he is a very young NFL quarterback who has done an admirable job leading his team. He has great potential. Okay?

But here are the specific things that Tebow has done that have annoyed me: 1) he wore those dumb eye patches with scriptures on them, 2) he is still pretending to be a virgin, and 3) he Tebows.

Eye Patches – Dude, you are playing football. I can’t imagine wearing around scripture verses in my job, and I don’t want to see them on anyone else. There is absolutely no connection between playing a meaningless game, where the sole goal is to pass, run, kick, and tackle, and doing the goddamn work of the Lord. I like football, but any idiot with fast-twitch muscles, good reflexes, and a high tolerance for pain can play it. It’s not noble, and it’s not saving the world. Just play your little game and save the Jesus talk for real life.

Virginity – Daniel Tosh said it better than I could when he said on his show, “I have it on good word that your v-card got swiped plenty down in Gainesville.” Abstinence pledges do nothing but make sex shameful, lead to unprotected sex from girls and boys who are too afraid get birth control for fear of being found out, and to unplanned pregnancies. You know who else likes to control virginity? The Taliban. All through high school, I knew a number of excessively bitchy virgins, so let’s get off of this, “Virginity = virtue” thing and concentrate on actually doing something that Jesus would approve of.

Tebowing – Here’s the thing about Tebowing: it’s stupid within the context of football. You see, St. Francis of Assisi – he was the protector of animals for anyone who’s ever been to a mass where you can get your pet totally blessed for free – said the following, “Share the gospel at all times, and, if necessary, use words.” To use terminology that is more comfortable for all of us, I will quote the great Miley Cyrus: “Talk is Cheap.” Silent evangelism, in short, is attracting people to the gospel through our love and service. Yes, I said love and service. To be clear, love and service are completely different from, “kneeling on the sidelines in an attention-grabbing position of reflection.” How about just silently reflecting, Tim. Just stop being an attention whore and do your Jesus work when no one is watching.

And maybe that’s my big problem – Tebow’s attitude assumes that the rest of us are too stupid to still be Christian without him there to remind us. And maybe some people believe that themselves, or maybe they worry that they won’t be able to live a good, Christian life without someone else sitting there telling them how to be Christian and what to believe.

But, here’s the deal, every person, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, or nothing at all can do what the Tim Tebow foundation supports: be kind to others. Support goodness. Be true to yourself. Do good things.

In other words, be like Drew Brees.