In the Unlikely Event of an Apocalypse...

I’m not a fan of doomsday speculators. I see no point in stockpiling ammo and electrical tape for the second coming or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be. Nuclear winter. Plague of locusts. Whatever.


But what I will tell you is that, when the apocalypse does come, I am going to be awesome at it. I’m not trying to brag here, but different people have different talents, and I am pretty sure that mine is apocalypse surviving. Like Scarlett O’Hara, I have a very keen survival instinct, and I’m not afraid to shoot a Carpetbagger in the face to make sure that I’m the one who sees the sun the next day. I realize this every time there is a bug in my house, and I overkill it, yelling, “DIE, DIE, DIE!” as I smash it to bits.

I am also a habitual escape-plan hatcher, so I’ve given some thought to what the priorities are, come Armageddon. And I’m not selfish, so I’ll share some of my top tips for Apocalypse survival:

1) MOST IMPORTANT – When you hook up with a group of fellow survivors, identify the person with the biggest butt. This is who you will eat first. Do not tell that person.

2) Identify your Eagle Scouts. They know how to shoot a gun, hunt, fish, tie knots, sail a boat, dig a trench, sew, cook, overthrow a small nation, read from a teleprompter, and fold a flag. These are all of the skills that you will need in the coming days and months. Stay friendly with the Eagle Scouts.

3) Do a quick assessment. What kind of apocalypse is this? Nuclear? Famine? Drought? Viral? Zombie? There is no point in being on the lookout for potable water if this is a zombie apocalypse. You want to be on the lookout for zombies.

4) Go looting. Of course you need to get food and survival equipment, but get something nice for yourself, too. You deserve it!

5) Head for the hills. Let’s be frank. The kind of people who stand their ground, compete for resources, build infrastructure and community….they all die. The real winners are the ones who hide. Make yourself scarce, and feel free to come on out after electricity has been restored.

6) If you’re in a group, make sure that they understand that you have a very special skill, and that they can’t live without it. It doesn’t matter if that skill is meaningful in the real world or not. Personally, I plan on capitalizing on my ability to speak Swedish. I will just have to convince my group that our future overlords were manufactured in Stockholm.

7) Make up a money system. Get off of whatever standard was used in the old world and start using something new. Rocks. Bathing suits. Whatever. The important thing is that you need to establish a transactional system by which people give and get things; otherwise, you all will just be beating each other with sticks to get something you want. Getting beaten by a stick is super annoying, especially after an apocalypse.

8) Don’t be the leader of your group. Don’t even be the second in command. You want your position to be something akin to an army medic or an accountant. People shouldn’t be really sure what you do, but they should know that they might need you one day, so they’ll want to keep you around.

9) This isn’t the time to announce that you just recently converted to a vegan lifestyle. See number 1, above. You might have to eat your friend’s butt to stay alive. Refrain from telling your friends how much sodium is in those canned beans you’ve been living off of for two weeks.

10) If you do have to split up from your group to forage for resources or confuse the zombies or whatever, do NOT split off with the black guy. It is a fact that the black guy always gets killed first. Your best bet is to hang with the nerdy computer programmer. They usually figure it all out in the end.

Best wishes, and most importantly, HAVE FUN! This might be your only opportunity for an apocalypse, so make sure to take plenty of pictures.