Down with Siri

I love scientists. I don’t love them literally, because they are mostly nerds and they don’t use real terms that are natural to English (unless you think “quarks” and “syzygy” are natural); but I love them theoretically, especially astrophysicists, because they manage to be limitlessly open-minded, while at the same time will NOT put up with anyone’s jive talk. Seriously, have you ever confused mass and weight around a scientist? He or she will put you IN YOUR PLACE.

Anyway, I think of those geeks at Apple computers as scientists. They think of an idea, and instead of asking that idea to fit into the logic of an ordered world, they figure out a way to flex the world around their idea, and build a bridge from crazy idea (A computer that you can wear on a band around your arm? Never!) to possibility (hello, iPod!) using only 0’s and 1’s.

But sometimes, I think this shit goes too far. And I’m specifically talking about a little something designed by the brilliant folks at Apple called Siri.

According to my friend Wikipedia, Siri is an “intelligent software assistant and knowledge navigator functioning as a personal assistant application” for newer models of the iPhone. I see Siri a little differently. I see Siri as “a substitute for real friends.”

Now, I know some of you, those of you who have hackles, are feeling them rising right now. You are Siri adopters, and you find the technology delightful. “I have plenty of real friends,” you are saying to yourself. “I need Siri to manage my incredibly busy and awesome life.” In truth, you are addicted to your fucking phone. Have you ever walked down the street, just looking around? At least half of the people walking alongside you are now so non-conditioned from interacting with humans that they have to pull out their phones whenever they’re in transit, rather than have another human being think that they have nothing to do.

Siri makes this worse, because it is a “natural language user interface,” meaning that it seems like it is talking to you like a real person, including making recommendations and personalizing results. People quickly caught on that you could ask Siri inane questions, and Siri would answer.

Q: “Siri, what is the meaning of life?”
Siri: “Try and be nice to people. Avoid eating fat. Read a good book now & then.”

First of all, I have to point out that the grammar there is a little sloppy. It presupposes that “trying” and “being” are separate functions, when I believe what it really means is, “Try TO be nice to people,” meaning that one should make the attempt. But, bygones. Anyway, if I were Siri, this would be my answer, “The meaning of Life? Stop trying to connect with a PHONE.”

And I guess this is my big beef: we are a nation that is becoming ever more polarized every second. You’re screwed whether you say, “Merry Christmas,” or “Happy Holidays” because you’ve just made the shit list of some freak with an agenda. Siri, who is basically a “me so horny, I love you long time” application – all instant gratification without having to actually emotionally invest in another human being – makes us begin to think that that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

But you know what? I bet that, when you’re taking that last bit of breath that you have here on earth, contemplating if there’s anything in the great beyond, scared that your light is going to go out and then – poof – you’re going to be stuck in the black nothingness, or worse, that heaven is really super boring, your PHONE is not going to comfort you. Your phone is just a distraction, just a way of ignoring the frailties and realities of those hairy, slobbery, smelly, often unfunny, and terribly burdened things that we call Other People.

So, next time you get the urge to connect with someone, make it a real person, not your phone. Just smile at a stranger. Say, “Hi.” Ask for directions. Compliment their shoes. Whatever you do, don’t forget how to interact with people just because your phone makes it much easier not to.