God and Chocolate
On Tuesday, November 6, 2012, I did something really dumb: I made a deal with God.
You may recall that November 6th was election
night in the United States. I had gone
out to dinner with some friends, and arrived back home at around half past
nine, just in time to see the returns start to come in.
Now, I watched all of the debates on PBS, because, unlike
the other network channels, and certainly unlike the cable news channels, they
took a measured, unbiased approach to analyzing the debates, and they didn’t
have that freaky undecided voter tracker that gave me chest pains. But for the election, I turned on NBC, mostly
because Brian Williams is smart and funny, and I figured I could take bad news
from him better than I could take it from someone else.
Brian Williams, however, wasn’t giving any spoiler
alerts. Remember, between 9:30 and
11:14, we all still believed the pundits – that this was anyone’s race to win.
I, meanwhile, had made an unwise choice to have another glass of wine after
returning home from dinner, such were the state of my nerves.
Fueled by wine and in a mood to deal, I started calling on
God.
“God,” I prayed, “Please let this election demonstrate the
teachings of Jesus,” I began. Because,
as you already know, I totally think that Jesus was a Democrat. A poor-loving, leper-washing,
easier-for-a-camel-to-pass-through-the-eye-of-a-needle-than-a-rich-man-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-heaven
Democrat.
“God,” I prayed a little bit later, “Please let this
election protect the sick, the elderly, gays, children, and those who are
struggling.” And just to be exceedingly
clear, here, I am talking about providing healthcare and marriage to all, which
was Obama’s platform, and not Mitt Romney’s.
And, while I think Old Testament God was sort of a dick, I think that New
Testament God would agree with that platform.
People disagree with me about Old Testament God, but I kind of think he
was like George Washington; he had a lot of good ideas, but it’s hard to get
past that slavery thing.
Finally, I was at the zenith of my freakout. I turned on Jon Stewart, and started making
bargains with God, the last of which was, “God, if Obama wins, I will not eat
chocolate for all of December.”
Now, for some of you, giving up chocolate may seem like no
big deal. For me, however, it is just
about the biggest sacrifice I could make.
Chocolate is my heroin. I eat it
every day. I think about it all the
time. I love it. I’m obsessed with it. And I made a deal with God to give it up in
exchange for an Obama presidency.
A few minutes later, before I could take it back, Jon
Stewart called the election for Obama.
“You know, God doesn’t really make deals like that,” my
friend Emily told me. Yeah, that’s
probably true, but God wasn’t the one making the deal. It was me.
And you can’t just make a deal with God and then be like, “Psych,
God! Our deal probably wasn’t the reason
why Obama was elected!”
I also certainly don’t believe that the two-time election of
George W. Bush was the will of God, so I don’t even know why I was making a
deal like that in the first place (maybe I was drunk?) but the bottom line is
that I made a promise to God, and I have to live by that promise. Even if it was stupid.
So now, thanks to Barack Obama’s God-pleasing policies and
the will of the American people, I have to spend the entire month of December
in a no-chocolate hell. I am certain
that my Republican friends are laughing right now, happy that at least one
Democrat has been made miserable by this election. And my Atheist friends are probably like, “You
are going to be one surprised motherfucker when you die, and you just end up in
a box, in the ground.” Good point, Atheists. But, regardless of whether God notices or
not, this is my way of saying, “Thanks, God.
You were here for me, and I’m here for you.” And, beloved chocolate, I will see you in
January.
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