God and Chocolate

On Tuesday, November 6, 2012, I did something really dumb: I made a deal with God.

You may recall that November 6^th was election night in the United States.  I had gone out to dinner with some friends, and arrived back home at around half past nine, just in time to see the returns start to come in. 

Now, I watched all of the debates on PBS, because, unlike the other network channels, and certainly unlike the cable news channels, they took a measured, unbiased approach to analyzing the debates, and they didn’t have that freaky undecided voter tracker that gave me chest pains.  But for the election, I turned on NBC, mostly because Brian Williams is smart and funny, and I figured I could take bad news from him better than I could take it from someone else.    

Brian Williams, however, wasn’t giving any spoiler alerts.  Remember, between 9:30 and 11:14, we all still believed the pundits – that this was anyone’s race to win. I, meanwhile, had made an unwise choice to have another glass of wine after returning home from dinner, such were the state of my nerves. 

Fueled by wine and in a mood to deal, I started calling on God.

“God,” I prayed, “Please let this election demonstrate the teachings of Jesus,” I began.  Because, as you already know, I totally think that Jesus was a Democrat.  A poor-loving, leper-washing, easier-for-a-camel-to-pass-through-the-eye-of-a-needle-than-a-rich-man-enter-into-the-kingdom-of-heaven Democrat.    

“God,” I prayed a little bit later, “Please let this election protect the sick, the elderly, gays, children, and those who are struggling.”  And just to be exceedingly clear, here, I am talking about providing healthcare and marriage to all, which was Obama’s platform, and not Mitt Romney’s.  And, while I think Old Testament God was sort of a dick, I think that New Testament God would agree with that platform.  People disagree with me about Old Testament God, but I kind of think he was like George Washington; he had a lot of good ideas, but it’s hard to get past that slavery thing.    

Finally, I was at the zenith of my freakout.  I turned on Jon Stewart, and started making bargains with God, the last of which was, “God, if Obama wins, I will not eat chocolate for all of December.” 

Now, for some of you, giving up chocolate may seem like no big deal.  For me, however, it is just about the biggest sacrifice I could make.  Chocolate is my heroin.  I eat it every day.  I think about it all the time.  I love it.  I’m obsessed with it.  And I made a deal with God to give it up in exchange for an Obama presidency.

A few minutes later, before I could take it back, Jon Stewart called the election for Obama. 

“You know, God doesn’t really make deals like that,” my friend Emily told me.  Yeah, that’s probably true, but God wasn’t the one making the deal.  It was me.  And you can’t just make a deal with God and then be like, “Psych, God!  Our deal probably wasn’t the reason why Obama was elected!” 

I also certainly don’t believe that the two-time election of George W. Bush was the will of God, so I don’t even know why I was making a deal like that in the first place (maybe I was drunk?) but the bottom line is that I made a promise to God, and I have to live by that promise.  Even if it was stupid. 

So now, thanks to Barack Obama’s God-pleasing policies and the will of the American people, I have to spend the entire month of December in a no-chocolate hell.  I am certain that my Republican friends are laughing right now, happy that at least one Democrat has been made miserable by this election.  And my Atheist friends are probably like, “You are going to be one surprised motherfucker when you die, and you just end up in a box, in the ground.”  Good point, Atheists.  But, regardless of whether God notices or not, this is my way of saying, “Thanks, God.  You were here for me, and I’m here for you.”  And, beloved chocolate, I will see you in January.