Humblebragging

I just learned a term, called “humblebragging.” And I’m obsessed with it. Humblebragging goes something like this:


“Argh! Couldn't get anything at the big sale at Banana Republic! They have size 0, but no 0 talls!”

Or

“Dammit, the flight attendant just gave away the last blanket! First class isn’t what it used to be!”

Get it? Humblebragging is expressing regret about an unlucky break, while secretly rubbing everyone else’s face in your good fortune. My friends at the Urban Dictionary define it as, “To bring up one's accomplishments in conversation and contextualize them as a harrowing burden or the product of an accident or fluke.” Sounds swell.

Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you already know that I think many people are totally faking everything most of the time, and that people buy a lot of shit to try to make them appear on the outside the way they wish they were on the inside, except that they will never be on the inside what they hope people see on the outside because they are too busy thinking about looking good, rather than working on actually being good, and that maybe these people should start reading books or something. Real books. Not The Help. I also wish that people would just come out and say what they really think and feel, rather than humblebragging about it. Here are a few examples:

Humblebrag: “Does anyone know where to get 1500 thread count sheets? We accidentally left our favorite pair in Paris. Price is no option.”

Keepin’ it real: “Hey, y’all, Would someone please notice how rich and hard to please I am? Thank you.”

Humblebrag: “Just got mistaken for my daughter’s sister…again. I kind of feel bad for her.”

Keepin’ it real: “Hey, y’all, I have nothing but my looks. But thank God I’ve got my looks.”

Humblebrag: “Just went to the doctor for yearly physical, and had lost ten pounds! Anyone have a recipe for organic Ensure?”

Keepin’ in real: “I know that you’re probably fat, but I’m not. I don’t know any other way to talk about this. Please don’t eat me.”

Get the picture? Not only would it be refreshing if people used the keepin’ in real response, but it would also be refreshing, because we could respond genuinely, too. I mean, think about it. When someone humblebrags to you, you feel forced to say something thoroughly disingenuous, like, “Awwwww. Hope you find some new sheets, sweetie!” or you feel compelled to provide a fucking recipe for organic Ensure*. This is no fun for anyone except the humblebragger. But if people chose the keepin’ it real response, then we could actually respond in a way that acknowledges that the humblebrag is borne out of the same insecurities that we all carry around. Or at least most of us carry around. Some people have their servants carry them around in the same parcel that contains their 1500 count sheets.

*Recipe for organic Ensure: 1) five scoops Graeters ice cream 2) ½ cup whole milk. Blend ice cream and milk in blender. Serve in glass with straw.