Waiting

I took the July bar exam, and I’ll find out the results in a few weeks.  When all is said and done, I will have waited a full quarter year to find out whether I passed or failed.  Waiting sucks.  I’ve talked to my friends who are currently waiting or who have gone through the ordeal of waiting themselves, and they all agree.  Waiting sucks. 

Why does waiting suck?  Because the bar exam is a culmination of three or four years of work, not to mention months of dedicated preparation.  By “dedicated preparation” I mean memorizing somewhere in the neighborhood of twelve completely separate areas of law, all day, every day.  Thousands of multiple choice practice problems.  Hours of essay writing.  Hundreds of passes through meticulously-crafted flashcards.  And it all comes down to twelve fiendish essay questions, 200 extraordinarily detailed multiple choice questions, and two long, grueling practical writing problems.  And then three months of waiting.  And answering questions from well-meaning but unconsciously cruel people.  Here’s what they ask:

1. What are you going to do if you fail? 
2. Do you think you’re going to fail?
3. Will you take the test again if you fail?
4. When can you take the test again if you fail?
5. Lots of people fail, right?

For the record: failing the bar exam isn’t like failing your driver’s license test.  My mother tricked me into taking my driving test when I was home from school with tonsillitis.  “Let’s go for a drive,” she said, and before I knew it, I was at the DMV, parallel parking my mom’s Grand Am with an unsmiling deputy in the passenger seat.  My very first license picture screamed, “I AM VERY ILL.  THIS IS NOT MY BEST DAY.”  Had I failed that test, I could have taken it again the very next day, and no one would have been the wiser.  With the bar exam, I will find out my results on the internet at the exact same time as the rest of THE WORLD.  So, to be clear: three months of waiting, constant questions about my failure plan, and public disclosure.

So, please forgive me if I’m jittery and tense (crap, I mean MORE jittery and MORE tense) for the next few weeks.  And, on behalf of all of my fellow bar-takers, I would like to say the following:

"Thank you for your interest in my bar exam results.  While there is no shame in failure, there is considerable heartbreak and disappointment.  I would rather not talk about my particular chances for passing and failure.  While I understand your good intentions in saying, 'I’m sure you aced it; you have nothing to worry about,' the fact of the matter is that I used the word 'banana' in one of my essay answers.  Was it a banana-related law?  It seemed that way at the time, but upon deeper reflection, there is no banana law.  If I do manage to pass, you will know.  If I fail, I will jump in a hole.  Just a shallow hole, but one that is deep enough to hide in for a little while.  If I were less law-abiding, or if I knew more interesting people, I would have already made arrangements to be roofied the night before the results are posted so that I don’t have to endure the utter mental clusterfuck that will be the state of my anxiety. As it stands, I do not know such people, so I will have to face my fate in an un-roofied state.  If I fail, it won’t be the end of the world, but all the same, I will let you know when I’m ready to talk about it.  Thank you again for your support, and keep your fingers crossed for me."