Horrible!
Fact: I don’t believe in being horrible at things. That’s a big cop-out, as far as I’m concerned. I believe in tackling the horrible out of everything until horrible is lying in submission, and I’m sitting on its chest, repeatedly punching it in the face. In that spirit, here’s a list of horribleness that I would like to admonish:
To the man who insists on grunting and moaning on the treadmill at the gym like you are the only person there: you are a horrible treadmiller.
To the dogs who heave themselves against the window and bark relentlessly at the African-American postal employee: you are horrible, racist dogs.
To Cousin Oliver: you are a horrible Brady.
To Starbucks: you are horrible at making lids and cups that go together without leaking. Why is it that you’re still horrible at this?
To any parent who feels the need to discuss what an asshole his or her spouse is in front of your children, not only do you have a horrible marriage, but you are a horrible parent. You can fix that, you know.
To the woman who was my server at Marcella’s on November 6, 2012: you are a horrible server!
To Helen Hunt, and I’m sorry if this is the first time you’re hearing this, you are a horrible, wooden, stern-faced actress.
As Good As It Gets is also a horrible, ridiculously sexist movie. Helen Hunt won an Oscar for it? Horrible!
To slugs: you are horrible gastropod mollusks. Get a shell!
To the people who claim that Thomas Jefferson said the following, “The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not:” you are horrible fact-checkers. Do you not understand how Google works?
To the people who say “fall” instead of “autumn:” you are horrible at using beautiful words.
To Lorena Garcia: you are horrible at making food for Taco Bell.
To every weatherperson who thinks that you are going to win a Peabody by standing in water in the middle of a hurricane: you are horrible at your job. We totally would have gotten that it’s raining where you are without you showing us that you’re getting abused by weather. I AM TALKING TO YOU, JIM CANTORE!
To green beans: you are a horrible food. Ugh!
To John Kasich: you are horrible at predicting how the state of Ohio will go in an election.
posted by koz @ 7:59 AM
9 Comments
9 Comments:
You know I love you, but I may have to punch you in the nose for that Jim Cantore one!! :)
I say 'fall' because it leads to winter and I hate winter, therefore, I dislike fall. Well, there is usually one day of Fall that I like but then it rains.
Oh, and John Kasich should have a LIST of horrible things!!
Love it.
Thomas Jefferson was rather horrible in many ways himself.
Yes, yes, Jefferson was horrible. But without him we would have never had the dumbwaiter. Your slaves owe Jefferson a real debt of gratitude.
As usual, your thinking is SO far beyond mine. We used to actually use dumbwaiters in hospitals, where I've spent the last 42 years of my life... However, we never really used slaves.
Some even say that Jefferson invented the swivel chair! So that he could turn around and yell at Sally Hemmings for getting pregnant (AGAIN!!!!) without having to stand up!
Brilliant. A man ahead of his time, as sooooo many are. I take back what I said about him being horrid.
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