Cee Lo, Obviously

So, there is a show that is on roughly eleven times a week, called The Voice. The premise of this show is that four superstar mentors get the chance to choose a team of talented singers and develop them. The auditions for the teams are “blind,” meaning that the potential superstar mentors can’t see the contestants, and have to judge them by the promise of their voice alone. Every week, after mentors have chosen their teams, team members get voted off or dismissed, until, at the end, there is one mentee remaining, and one superstar coach who is the winner.


Now, here’s the hard part: during the blind auditions, if a superstar mentor wants you on his or her team, he or she hits a button that turns his/her chair around. If more than one superstar mentor turns around, then it’s up to the contestant to choose which mentor he or she wants to work with. The superstar mentors are Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Blake Shelton, and Cee Lo Green. If you don’t know who these people are, I would suggest that you Google them, but you probably don’t know what Google is, either, so just take my word that they are legit, mentor-wise.

During the show, the contestants always hem and haw over who to choose when more than one superstar mentor turns around. To me, it would be the easiest decision in the world. Number One: Cee Lo. Number Two: Xtina. Number Three: Blake Shelton. Number Four: Adam. Here’s why:

#1 - Cee Lo: First of all, he is the most relevant artist on the board. Musically, he just does whatever he wants, and somehow makes it work. If I am on Cee Lo’s team, I know that he will work with me as I am, and not according to the one genre he understands. Also, Cee Lo looks just like Grimace from McDonalds. Same tubby body, unnaturally short arms, and bald head. It’s kind of eerie. I also firmly believe that Cee Lo is the kind of person who could pull up next to some stranger in a panel van with blacked out windows, say, “Come with me, miss. Let’s go down to the river where I will kill you and dispose of your body,” and the stranger would just say, “Okay, Cee Lo. If it’s with you, that sounds good.” I feel like there’s probably a whole host of dead lady bodies down by some river somewhere. He is just that creepily charismatic. Also, if you think you don’t like Cee Lo, listen to his song “Wildflower.” The man can do no wrong.

#2 - Xtina: Some people actually do not love Xtina!!! But how could anyone not love her? She is a first-class diva, and if she wants to wear sparkly underpants and a bustier with a little organ-grinder monkey hat and a fan, then that is what she will wear. She is so awesome, and on top of that, she is actually a good coach, who offers very specific critiques to the people she is mentoring. I mean, if you cross her, the bitch will cut you, and stand over your body watching your blood slowly drain into the gutter, but other than that, her sense of drama is the best.

#3 - Blake Shelton: Basically, Blake came in third place because a) fourth place was specifically reserved for the dreadful Adam Levine, and b) his contestants have done well. Otherwise, Blake just seems like a big, goofy dude, and I am pretty sure he doesn’t have any specific “coaching” that he gives his contestants other than unconditional love, pep talks, probably candy, and folksy Oklahoma sayings.

Last - Adam Levine: Here are some facts about Adam Levine: 1) the only good songs he’s ever done are the ones he’s done OUTSIDE his own band (e.g., Heard ‘Em Say w/Kanye West, Stereo Hearts w/Gym Class Heroes); b) I suspect that Adam requires a LOT of takes in the studio. He never sounds good at all when he sings live; c) he is so gross. And maybe that’s just my particular bias – I went to high school with a million tiny, skinny, Jewy guys who had more moxy than talent, so I think I was overexposed or something at a young age. But I also think he’s a crappy coach, despite the fact that his mentee won the first year. I don’t think that was Adam’s doing, as Adam seems to generally be asleep during the “coaching” sessions.

There it is, easy as can be. Considering that each mentor has approximately seven hundred singers on his or her team this year, I figure we’ll have a winner sometime around 2014.