CWK FAQ

I’ve been writing this blog for a while, and while I generally like to treat it like a fight club (the first rule of this blog is you do not talk about this blog), I feel like it’s been long enough that I can address some frequently asked questions. So, here you go. FAQs, Cats with Knives style.


Q: Why is your blog called Cats with Knives?
A: True story: I wanted to name the blog Killer Baby Robots. But then I realized that there are probably freaks out there who are actually either trying to buy or make killer baby robots, and I didn’t want to be any part of that. So I settled on Cats with Knives. A cat will convince you that it’s sweet and cuddly, but you know that it would love to cut you people like the bitches you are, steal your wallet, and snack on your entrails.

Q: Why are you always making fun of Delaware?
A: Dela where?

Q: Why won’t you confess to writing this blog? We know it’s you.
A: I know you know it’s me. But, much like the Ku Klux Klan, even though we all know who’s under the white sheets, we still wear them because it’s not about the individual racists; it’s about racism as an institution. This blog is not about me. I write the blog as a character, who sometimes shares my thoughts and sometimes doesn’t, but I don’t want to have to explain what part is me and what part isn’t me.

Q: Why are you so obsessed with zombies and nachos?
A: Like you’re not?

Q: Does your dad really wear pajama pants and carry a gun? And does your mom really smoke that much?
A: That, and so much more, guys. You have no idea.

Q: Did you pass the bar exam? Because you haven’t said anything about that, and that’s usually not a good sign.
A: Yes.

Q: What is your most popular post?
A: It’s called My Big Fat Welfare Check, and somehow it got indexed on Google, so when people type in “average welfare check,” this post comes up. Often, it inspires strangers to put angry comments in the comment field, which then requires me to put a super snarky response back to them. You will never convince me I’m wrong about this one, angry comment posters.

Q: Were you secretly talking about me in that one post about that thing?
A: Probably not.

Q: What makes you angrier: bad grammar, comment posters on USAToday.com, or people misquoting historical figures?
A: Usually, they are all together. I just don’t understand how these fuckers have all day to write comments on USAToday.com, but they don’t have the time to learn the difference between your and you’re.

Q: What’s your favorite post?
A: Broad and High. This is the only post where I said exactly what I wanted to say in exactly the way I wanted to say it. And I really, really love these four corners in downtown Columbus.

Q: Did you know that I send your blog to my mom?
A: I did not know that. But thank you. Your mom sounds cool. You should also send it to your friends. I bet they’re cool, too.

And, for a final note, thanks for reading. We’re approaching 20,000 views, which would make me feel important, except that everything else on the internet has, like, a million views. But in any event, I appreciate the support that so many of you have given me over the past couple of years.