What's Your Sign?

You could not make me love astrology more than I do, because astrology is the real reason for all of our voyages to space.  That is the truth.  Here are the astrological signs, Cats with Knives-style: 

Capricorn – On a cold winter night, you would like to stay inside and count your rice.  Your practical nature makes you boring, but your ambitious side gives you that psychopath edge.  No one knows what you’re thinking.  I mean, no one cares, but no one knows.  Annoying.

Aquarius – You are eccentric, but not the cool Lady Gaga kind.  You’re more of the Mary Todd Lincoln eccentric.  You see art in everything, and can often be found selling junk at Boneroo.  Annoying.

Pisces – You are both imaginative and unpredictable, meaning that you imagine that all kinds of crazy stuff is going down about you, and then, God knows what you might do.  You might do nothing.  You might kill the person.  Who knows?  You’re a Pisces.  Annoying.

Aries – Everyone knows an Aries that they hate.  Because an Aries will tell you something with all the confidence in the world, and it will turn out to be a total and complete load of bull, supported only by a kernel of incorrect information and an excess of overconfidence.  So annoying. 

Taurus – So, um….Taurus…..the horoscope people really don’t say anything good about you.  Here are their words: “possessive, greedy, explosive, jealous.”  That’s harsh, Taurus.  Maybe you should do something explosive about it. 

Gemini – A Gemini thinks he or she is waaaaaaaaaaay more charming than he or she actually is.  You know those girls in college who were always like, “I am so drunk, guys!  I am seriously so drunk!” and then end up hijacking a bathroom for an hour at the end of the night so that they can have a crying jag that is attended by no fewer than seven girls and one boy who was only hoping to get laid?  Yeah, that girl is a Gemini.  Annoying. 

Cancer – The best thing anyone can say about you is that you’re moody.  Your sign isn’t even represented by a planet.  This is so pathetic, Cancer.  Also: the internet describes you as morose, clingy, living in the past, and needy.  Partay! 

Leo – Arrogant, bossy, intolerant, self-centered, demanding: in other words: AWESOME!   You are so much more fun than those killjoy Cancers.  Not annoying.

Virgo – Just like Aries, but with a nicer smile.     Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury, which we all know was named after the lead singer of Queen.  Furthermore, Virgo’s sign is the Virgin, which is a laugh, because Virgos are notoriously slutty.  I mean friendly.  Annoying. 

Libra – Libras are a mixed bag.  On one hand, they’re even-tempered peacemakers.  On the other hand, I have known some crazy Libras in my day.  A full third of my family is Libra, which explains a lot about why I need so much therapy.  Annoying. 

Scorpio – They are, like, the villains of the astrological world.  A Scorpio would totally ask you for a blowjob on the first date.  Also: Charles Manson is a Scorpio.  No offense.  More awful than annoying.

Sagittarius – I have NEVER met anyone who says, “I am a Sagittarius.”  Seriously.  Is this even a real astrological sign?  Wikipedia says Sagittarians are born between November 22 and December 21, and they are outgoing, action-oriented, and spontaneous.  This is the one time that I believe Wikipedia has steered us all wrong.  Sagittarians are the fake state of the astrological world, much like the state of Delaware, where only Vice Presidents and bogus corporations are from.  Annoying! 

Worst First Dates

While it is sort of an unspoken fact that, if you cross me, I will make you wish you’d never been born, on the whole, I’m a pretty nice girl.


But I cannot stand bad dates. I really can’t – especially since they are so avoidable. In my mind, on a date, you have to really just follow a few simple rules: act normal, be polite, and tell funny stories. Even I can manage that for a few hours. Here are some things that you probably should not do. Caveat: only some of these are mine. Some of them I have stolen from friends. But they are all real.

1. Say the following phrase: “Squirrel tastes really good.”

2. Wear a Run DMC-sized gold cross. I mean, unless you’re in Run DMC.

3. Give parenting advice, especially if you have never been a parent.

4. Offer to show your scars.

5. Say, “What I really like about you is that your ass is smaller than your boobs.”

6. Ask your date if she needs to go to the bathroom.

7. Talk about your ex wife. Or wives. And how one of them possibly tried to kill you.

8. And while you’re at it, do not describe your honeymoon with the aforementioned wife in stunning detail, including the hotel you stayed in in Stuttgart.  Nobody cares.

9. Say that your ideal future career would probably be “making bombs.”*

10. Drink too much.

11. Drink too little.

12. Suggest that you close out the evening at the club. The strip club.

13. Act disapproving when your date tells you that she is the descendant of a long line of 90-year-old, Cadillac-driving, chain-smoking, gin-martini-drinking women. (Two heart pounds and a peace sign.)

14. Bring The Book of Questions, open it up, and start asking random questions.

15. Discuss how you were unfairly terminated from your previous place of employment. But then be really sketchy about why.

16. Say, “You would be perfect, except for that mole on your forehead.”

17. Mention how you broke up with your ex-girlfriend because she gave you the herps. Yes, the herps.

18. Further admit that you were currently “sort of stalking” this same ex.

19. Insist that your date get a doggie bag, because otherwise, “That would be wasting.”

20. Ask about your date’s favorite sexual position. (Answer: anything that’s not with you.)

21. Comment on how your date, “Doesn’t seem to care about her physical well-being,” and then not get the hint when the date proceeds to order the most expensive thing on the menu and then ignore it, instead choosing to stare laser beams at your head the entire dinner.

22. Bring your own cocaine.


* I believe my response was, "Well, it's nice to have goals." 

Low self-esteem translator

I have heard that there are people in the world who actually walk around feeling like they are perfectly good people, and that, whoever they are, the world is okay with that.


I have never been one of those people.

Instead, I’ve always been one of those people who is crippled by self-doubt, convinced that everything is about one second from going to hell in a hand basket, and who is certain that, if the hand basket does, in fact, go to hell, it’s going to be all my fault. I don’t think I’m alone here. In fact, a lot of people I know – good friends – feel the same way. But for those of you who are the beneficiaries of normal self-esteem, confidence, and a general feeling that the world will love you, come what may, here are some helpful translations from what you say to what a person like me hears:

1. You did a great job! = I am going to ignore the thing you messed up.
2. You look great! = Before, you looked terrible.
3. You are the sweetest person in the world = I am sorry that you are so ugly.
4. You are really smart = I am sorry that you are so ugly.
5. You’re so funny = I am sorry that you are so ugly.
6. You’re pretty = (radio static)
7. I like your shoes = But oh my God, your skirt makes me want to punch you.
8. It was great seeing you = I can’t wait to tell my friends about what a freak you are.
9. Have you ever thought about trying Match.com? = Nobody who knows you would ever date you.
10. Where do you get all your energy? = Why don’t you just chill for a second, spaz?
11. I would have never thought of that! = Wow, you must be insane!
12. I am proud of you = But it’s not like you’re Michael Phelps or anything. I mean, do you even have ONE gold medal?
13. You look great for your age = You still look old.
14. When I grow up, I want to be like you = Except, you know, successful.
15. God bless you = Stop sneezing.
16. Congratulations! = You got lucky!
17. You tried your best = So disappointing. So very, very disappointing.
18. Have you lost weight? = You seemed fat the last time I saw you.
19. Wow! That is a really good picture of you! = You do not look like this in real life!
20. I love your blog = I used to love your blog. Lately…

Dance Like Someone's Watching

I am not a person who responds well to motivational statements. In fact, on my desk is the following quote, written on a post-it, that has followed me around, from office to office, for the past five years: “Quitting is always an option.” That’s all the motivation I need. Here are some other motivational quotes, and my responses:

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it - Edith Wharton. Or by catching everything on fire.

To be blind is bad, but worse is to have eyes and not see – Helen Keller. How would she know?

Character is doing the right thing when nobody’s looking – J.C. Watts. So says a man who played in the Canadian Football League.

Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them – Lady Bird Johnson. So for all of you who went to a state school, now you know who to blame.

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one – Elbert Hubbard. No, the greatest mistake you can make in life is to be a high school graduate who refuses to learn the difference between your and you’re. Alternately, the greatest mistake you can make in life is to confuse the bidet and the drinking fountain.

Do or do not. There is no try – Yoda. Shut up, puppet.

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are – e.e. cummings. Unless you turn out to be a coward. Then that doesn’t really work out for you.

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for – Jose Addison. But seriously, red wine is an adequate substitute.

Our aspirations are our possibilities – Robert Browning. Then why am I not currently singing backup for Kenny Loggins?

If you don’t like how things are, change it! You’re not a tree – Jim Rohn. Speak for yourself, Mr. Rohn.

You can tell more about a person by what he says about others than you can by what others say about him - Leo Aikman. That’s what all the unpopular kids say.

Be the change you want to see in the world – Ghandi. What people usually mean when they reference this quote is, “YOU should change, but I totally want to stay the same.”

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails - William Arthur Ward. The author of this blog stopped caring ten words ago.

The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself — Wallace Wattles. Sometimes the very best thing you can do for the world is to wear deodorant.

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit —Harry Truman. Like unleashing nuclear devastation on Japan!

You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth ― William W. Purkey. If you dance like no one’s watching, I guarantee you, it will end up posted on You Tube. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.