Thursday, November 3, 2016

Why Do You Ask?


This December will be the third Christmas that I’ve spent with my boyfriend, which is exactly three Christmases more than I’ve ever spent with any other dude, so I guess that’s pretty good.  What’s not so good is the fact that people keep asking me if we’re going to get married.

My longstanding opposition to marriage notwithstanding, this is one of those questions that people ask that are unnecessary and unproductive.  A short list of those questions:

  • When are you getting married?
  •  When are you going to start a family?
  •  Why are you single?
  • Have you tried eating less/exercising/other weight loss advice?

      Why are these questions unnecessary and unproductive?  Well, God, beyond that, they’re incredibly personal and invasive.  I think the more important questions are: why is it your fucking business?  And do you realize that there’s underlying judgment in these questions, specifically that being unmarried, childless, uncoupled, and overweight are wrong and unnatural?  

You know what is natural?  Death.  But you know better than to say to someone, “Hey, when do you think your parents are going to die?”   

People have complicated lives.  Relationships may not be their priority.  They may struggle with fertility or pregnancy issues.  Or they may not like kids.  They may have their own ideas of what makes a happy relationship with their partner. They may feel fine about themselves at any weight. Or not.  It’s complicated, and it’s nobody’s business to ask about in the same way you would ask someone where they got their shirt or if they’re a cat or dog person.  

And here’s the truth: I could give you all the reasons why marriage is not the thing for me, but chances are, about half of you wouldn’t believe me anyway.  So I’ll just give you one: I think marriage is really, really weird. I can’t get beyond the thought that marriage is contractually requiring someone to go that work thing with you, which is totally silly because IF YOU GO TO THE WORK THING ALONE, YOU CAN LEAVE EARLIER.   

But here is also the truth: When marriage/children/being thin become the terminal goals in someone’s life, everything else that person has accomplished, or loves, or enjoys, or is proud of, becomes, somehow, “less than.”  As in, “They’re such a great couple, I wonder why they don’t have kids.”  Or, “He’s a really handsome guy, I wonder why he’s not married.”  It doesn’t matter what else or how else they’ve lived their lives; they are always measured on this.  And believe me, I’ve seen too many people get into really gross marriages or pushed out kids before they were ready because they’ve internalized the scrutiny. 

In the end, we all can only speak to our own experience.  We’re all just people struggling to live our lives in the best way we can.  Asking these deeply personal questions, even with the best intentions, is at best, careless.  So, the next time you’re tempted to ask anyone when they’re going to do that next big thing, instead, just let them know they’re perfect, just as they are.  Unless you’re talking to Donald Trump.  He’s an asshole. 

1 Comments:

At December 1, 2016 at 12:42 PM , Blogger koz said...

Addendum: spoke too fast when I said I made it to 3 Christmasses. Whoops! Better luck next time. ; )

 

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