Vote

I just want to go on record that when I hear people say, “I’m just not voting this year,” I want to punch them in the face.  I kind of wish they had two faces so I could punch both of them.  If you’re one of those people, here’s why you deserve a face-punching:

1.    You’re American, dammit.  Our forefathers DIED for your right to a representative government.  That whole of the people, by the people, for the people is about you having a say in who governs you.  And you want to squander that because what?  Because you’re feeling pouty about who the major party candidates are?  Write in some doof that represents whatever fringe party you want.  Unless you live in Arkansas, Hawaii, Louisiana, Mississippi, Nevada, Oklahoma, or South Dakota (and let’s face it, the only actual inhabitants of South Dakota are an old oil derrick and Mount Rushmore), you can vote for any write-in who has registered.  And if you’re in Vermont, Wyoming, Oregon, New Hampshire, Jersey, Iowa, Delaware (also a fake state) or Alabama, you can literally write in ANYBODY.  No registration required.  Vote for poor, dead, Ronald Reagan.  Vote for “Send Hillary to Prison.”  Vote for Brexit.  Stop being an unpatriotic prick and do your goddamn duty.

2.    “They’re all corrupt” is a loser’s excuse for your own laziness.  How do you know everyone on the ballot is corrupt?  Some folks are running for the first time.  Some are rapists, but some, I assume, are good people.  Oh, wait, that’s Mexicans.  Nevermind. But honestly, I am 99% sure that you haven’t even done a Google search on half of the candidates who are running locally, and you have no clue. 

3.    And let me just add, for those who can’t stand either of the major party candidates for President, or maybe can’t stand the candidates for Senate or HoR, most of these people (one notable exception) got started in local politics.  And guess who elects them to local office?  YOU!  In elections!  So perhaps you should get your ass to the polls and stop these people from their first election, so they don’t grow up to be the big, bad candidate that makes you want to throw up in your mouth.

4.    Your vote actually DOES count.  It’s not rigged.  Well, let me clarify.  The only thing that is rigged is the mechanism that is trying to keep you home, instead of voting.  Voter suppression is a real thing that you can counteract by EXERCISING YOUR RIGHT TO VOTE.  Otherwise, you play right into the hands of those evil politicians that you purport to despise.  The only way your vote doesn’t count is if you don’t vote.  And, please, do not email me your conspiracy theories about the Electoral College. 

5.    “It’s my right to not vote” makes about as much sense as “It’s my right to not breathe.”  Yes, technically, it’s true, but it is against your self-interest.  Are you really exercising the right to abstain, or are you just too lazy to register?  You know it’s not hard to register.  Like, basically, if you walk down the street, you’ll find some earnest college kid who’s just sitting there, on the sidewalk, helping people register.  Just sitting there.  Like, at a card table. 

6.    Not participating and then complaining is childish.  It’s like a person who says, “My car won’t run, but instead of fixing it, I’d rather just rail against the unjust society that broke my car.” Fix the fucking car. Participate in the process.  If you really hate the way things are, contact your local party, and find out how you can run for office.  If you have so many ideas on how to fix things, why not take those ideas out of the comments section of USAToday, and into the world where you live?  Or do you just want to be a big, complaining baby? 

Listen, if I had my way, instead of an election this year, we’d just have a coronation of one pant-suited sassmaster named Hillary R. Clinton.  But we live in America, and we don’t just install people in office.  As we’ve all recently learned from Lin-Manuel Miranda, we have the privilege and the duty to choose our leaders and rap about it with élan.  Why on earth would you willingly give that up?