Prison Tattoos

As you know, I am not a fan of the tattoo. Personally, I think it’s like putting a Shrek iron-on right in the middle of your beautiful 1000-count Egyptian cotton sheets, but I get that other people think it’s like putting Van Gogh’s Water Lilies up in their very own living room. To each his own.

The thing that makes me think I am right, however, is the fact that tattoos are popular among a certain set of people. The awesome? You ask. No. Prisoners. Prisoners, I imagine, have the greatest per capita skin coverage of tattoos in the world. Maybe the Maoris have more, but let’s leave them out of this. And I know this, because one of my favorite shows, Lockup, recently aired a show all about prison tattoos.

Have you ever seen prison tattoos? They’re stupid. I mean, really stupid. First, there are the teardrops. These symbolize that the wearer has killed someone. Or the number of years they have served in prison. Or that they have lost a loved one, like a fellow gang member. They are on the face, which I think is an especially bad place for a tattoo. That shit is permanent, y’all.

Then there are the gang tattoos. Do you know what a really popular prison gang is? The Aryan Nation. So those morons get valknuts and swastikas permanently tattooed on their bodies, so that their children, and their children’s childrens' children can all see what a fucking idiot their grandfather was. But if you ask them, they say, “I need to represent.”

And swastikas are not the only gang insignia. Neta, Black Guerilla Family, Mexican Mafia, La Nuestra Familia, Texas Syndicate….they each have their own ridiculous insignia, usually done in those weird gothic-y letters that are supposed to be….menacing? It just makes me think that someone recently stayed at a Knights Inn. Remember those? They had purple drapes. So fucking tacky.

Prison tattoos sometimes involve creeds that are so outside of reality, they just make you shake your head. For example, “Only God Can Judge Me.” Actually, friend, judges and juries can judge you, too. That’s why you’re in prison. Also: “Hard Times Don’t Last.” This is sort of a circular argument. If you have this tattoo on your body, then you’re going to always be reminded of your hard times, making them live on eternally…right?

And, last but certainly not least, are the themes of torture, both physical and sexual, that are played out on these peoples’ bodies. Knives dripping blood. Women with giant knockers getting it from behind from a demon. Evil babies chopping off the heads of innocent teddy bears. (I swear to God, that’s what it was. And it was on a guy’s head!) Mythical creatures with horns and fangs. This fucking thing. And often, these pictures are right next to a picture of the Madonna, or Jesus in his crown of thorns, or their child’s name. Do you see what I’m saying, people? These are the people who think that tattoos are cool!

So, whatever, I know I can’t stop you from getting inked up. But this is my only request. Next time you think of getting a tattoo, instead donate the money you would have spent to one of these groups that sends books to prisoners. After all, don’t you want prisoners to be more like you, instead of you being more like them?

Decoding the Generations

At my job, we have a class that people can take, called “Generations at Work.” In theory, the class provides insight into how people think and work, depending on how being born in their generation shaped them. I have an easier way to learn this stuff: my good friend Wikipedia (don’t ever go away again, Wikipedia!) Here’s what Wikipedia says, and a couple extra notes I would add:

The Greatest Generation (1901 – 1924). Wikipedia’s description: This is the generation that includes the veterans who fought in World War II. As Tom Brokaw described, “These men and women fought not for fame and recognition, but because it was the right thing to do. When they came back they rebuilt America into a superpower." My addition: Mostly dead or very old. Wear those awesome American Legion hats. March in 4th of July parades.

The Silent Generation (1925 to 1945). Wikipedia’s description: This generation is recognized as the children of the Great Depression; this event during their formative years had a profound impact on them. Many great artistic figures were from the Silent Generation, including musicians Jimi Hendrix and Ray Charles, beat poets Allen Ginsburg and Jack Kerouac, and civil rights leaders, including Martin Luther King and Gloria Steinem. No US President, however, has been elected from this generation. My addition: Fond of saying, “When I was your age, I had to walk uphill to school with newspaper in my shoes to keep out the cold.” Mostly live in Boca Raton and Arizona. Still call Asians “Orientals,” and are getting progressively more adorable. Own and use handkerchiefs.

The Baby Boom Generation (1946 – 1964). Wikipedia’s description: This is the generation that was born following World War II, from 1946 up to 1964, a time that was marked by an increase in birth rates. In general, baby boomers are associated with a rejection or redefinition of traditional values. In North America boomers are widely associated with privilege, as many grew up in a time of affluence. In the 1960s, as the relatively large numbers of young people became teenagers and young adults, they, and those around them, created a very specific mindset and language to communicate with and about their generation, and the change they were bringing about. My addition: Totally stealing all of our Social Security! The younger part of this generation was raised with all of the benefits of social welfare, but is increasingly becoming The Man. The older segment generally needs to go on a diet. Like clothes from Coldwater Creek.

Generation X (1965 – 1982) Wikipedia’s description: This is the generation generally defined as those born after the baby boom ended. "Generation X" has always signified a group of young people, seemingly without identity, who face an uncertain, ill-defined (and perhaps hostile) future. Those associated with Generation X have cultural perspectives and political experiences that were shaped by events such as the 1979 energy crisis, the Chernobyl disaster, Black Monday, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the introduction of the home computer, the video game era, cable television and the Internet, the AIDS epidemic, the War on Drugs, the Iran hostage crisis, Iran-Contra Affair, Operation Desert Storm, the Dot-com bubble, alternative rock, and the global influence of the hip hop culture and music genre. They are often called the MTV Generation. My addition: Rock and Roller Cola Wars, I can’t take it anymore. Currently dressing way too young for its age, have a number of ill-advised tattoos, and raised in equal parts by the television and by Where the Wild Things Are. Easily addicted to Sudoku and prescription drugs. Unpredictable – might quote Star Trek or Rush Limbaugh. Reads this blog.

Generation Y (or Millennials) (1982 – 2001). Wikipedia’s description: generally marked by an increased use and familiarity with communications, media, and digital technologies. This generation shows attributes of confidence and tolerance, as well as a sense of entitlement, narcissism and rejection of social conventions. The Millennials are sometimes called the "Trophy Generation", or "Trophy Kids," a term that reflects the trend in competitive sports, as well as many other aspects of life, where mere participation is frequently enough for a reward. Some employers are concerned that Millennials have too great expectations from the workplace. Studies predict that Generation Y will switch jobs frequently due to their great expectations of high expectations for advancement, salary and for a coaching relationship with their manager. My addition: More likely to elect a President based on a fifteen second sound byte than a concerted study of the issues. Probably cannot recognize all of the states of their own country on a map. Genuinely think they are the most interesting person in the world, as evidenced by their Facebook posts, tweets, and text messages. Soft. So soft.

Generation Z, also known as Generation “I” (2001 – present). Wikipedia’s description: This generation has also been born completely into an era of postmodernism and globalization. Some parents of Generation Z are working part time or becoming stay-at-home parents so that children are raised by them and other family members instead of a day care facility. A recent poll found that 81 percent of 7- to 13-year-olds expect they will have their "15 minutes of fame." My addition: More than anything else, this generation needs to learn how to shovel a sidewalk, change a tire, write a five-paragraph essay, show empathy, use a pen, listen attentively for twenty minutes, wear longer skirts, and use spell check. There’s still time, Generation Z’ers. There’s still time.

Not a Fan of Tebow

Last night, in the AFC Divisional playoffs, the Denver Broncos took on the New England Patriots. Now normally, who to cheer for would be an easy decision for me; I can’t stand Bill Belichick, and I loathe Tom Brady for oh-so-many reasons, most of which involve the whole state of Michigan. But there was one thing that was standing in my way of what would normally be such an easy decision: Tim Tebow.

Now, I know some of you are saying, “Aw, it’s another one of those people who hates Tim Tebow just because he’s an out-and-proud Christian.” I would like to disagree with you. I don’t like Tim Tebow because he’s a proselytizing doofus, who reduces Christianity to a series of meaningless gestures.

Before I go on, I just want to make one thing clear: people who are religious are a-ok in my book. My life is based on the things I learned in church, so I don’t begrudge anyone the practice of their own religion. Although I don’t know him, I suspect that Tebow is a decent enough dude. He seems to love his mom, and people who know him appear to like him. Also, he seems to be getting a raw deal with a number of the sports media and general public, who continue to insist that the guy sucks at football. He was an extremely successful college quarterback, and he is a very young NFL quarterback who has done an admirable job leading his team. He has great potential. Okay?

But here are the specific things that Tebow has done that have annoyed me: 1) he wore those dumb eye patches with scriptures on them, 2) he is still pretending to be a virgin, and 3) he Tebows.

Eye Patches – Dude, you are playing football. I can’t imagine wearing around scripture verses in my job, and I don’t want to see them on anyone else. There is absolutely no connection between playing a meaningless game, where the sole goal is to pass, run, kick, and tackle, and doing the goddamn work of the Lord. I like football, but any idiot with fast-twitch muscles, good reflexes, and a high tolerance for pain can play it. It’s not noble, and it’s not saving the world. Just play your little game and save the Jesus talk for real life.

Virginity – Daniel Tosh said it better than I could when he said on his show, “I have it on good word that your v-card got swiped plenty down in Gainesville.” Abstinence pledges do nothing but make sex shameful, lead to unprotected sex from girls and boys who are too afraid get birth control for fear of being found out, and to unplanned pregnancies. You know who else likes to control virginity? The Taliban. All through high school, I knew a number of excessively bitchy virgins, so let’s get off of this, “Virginity = virtue” thing and concentrate on actually doing something that Jesus would approve of.

Tebowing – Here’s the thing about Tebowing: it’s stupid within the context of football. You see, St. Francis of Assisi – he was the protector of animals for anyone who’s ever been to a mass where you can get your pet totally blessed for free – said the following, “Share the gospel at all times, and, if necessary, use words.” To use terminology that is more comfortable for all of us, I will quote the great Miley Cyrus: “Talk is Cheap.” Silent evangelism, in short, is attracting people to the gospel through our love and service. Yes, I said love and service. To be clear, love and service are completely different from, “kneeling on the sidelines in an attention-grabbing position of reflection.” How about just silently reflecting, Tim. Just stop being an attention whore and do your Jesus work when no one is watching.

And maybe that’s my big problem – Tebow’s attitude assumes that the rest of us are too stupid to still be Christian without him there to remind us. And maybe some people believe that themselves, or maybe they worry that they won’t be able to live a good, Christian life without someone else sitting there telling them how to be Christian and what to believe.

But, here’s the deal, every person, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, or nothing at all can do what the Tim Tebow foundation supports: be kind to others. Support goodness. Be true to yourself. Do good things.

In other words, be like Drew Brees.

Most Entertaining Headlines

I don’t have a lot of time, but I love to know what the hell is going on in the world, so I rely on the headlines to keep me up-to-date. Lately, though, I don’t know what’s happening: if the headline writers are trying to punk us, or if this is their genuine effort. But I wanted to share a few with you that I gathered from my favorite sources: USAToday.com, MSNBC.com and NYTimes.com. This is just two days worth of headlines.

Santorum Packs them in in New Hampshire – Given the whole “just Google Santorum” thing, someone must have been chuckling as they wrote that one.
Woman Uses Moustache as Disguise to Steal from Neighbors – I knew that would work!
Not as Many Dead Blackbirds in Arkansas Town this Year – Awesome! Not as many zombies in Lake Erie this year either!
Penis Tattoo Gives Guy Permanent Erection – I…I just don’t…(shakes head)
Positive Jobs Report Interrupts Campaign – This was actually a misleading one. Nobody interrupted their campaign, temporarily struck dumb by a lack of bad news. What they actually meant was, “Good economic news stumps headline writers.”
Jobless Rates for Young and Female Vets Climbs – OK, this was my mistake. I thought this was referring to veterinarians, not veterans.
Justin Bieber Shows off New Tattoo of Jesus – When is he going to go away? Bieber, I mean.
Weight Watchers Forgives Charles Barkley – They are forgiving one fat person at a time.
Romney Says No to Obama’s “Big, Bad Things” – No, it’s not what you think. They are actually talking about Obama’s balls. His big, bad balls.
“The Hoff” just Loves his Celebrity Crabs – no surprise there.
Is OK for Hoda to Wear Winter White? What the fuck does this even mean? Is OK?
How Yoga Can Wreck Your Body – Save yourselves! Get back on the couch!
Big Study Links Good Teachers to Lasting Gain – Ooooooh, an exposé!
The Other Reason Europe is Going Broke – Let me guess: they’re spending all of their time on Pinterest.
Mexico’s Election Draws Eyes from Across Border – Aw man! First they steal our jobs, and now they’re stealing our eyes?
Giving Turnips a Second Look – Nooooooo! That’s just what they want!
What China Can Teach Europe – Answer: Chinese.