Goodbye again, high school!

A summer or two ago, I went to my high school reunion with my friend-since-kindergarten Alison, where one of our former classmates came up to the two of us after a few hours and said, “I’ve been asking around. If you had to give a grade to your high school experience, what would it be?”

Alison and I looked at each other, and then looked back at the guy.

“I would say a solid, solid D+,” I responded, thinking that I was being pretty charitable with my grade.

“Yeah,” Alison said, “I was going to say D or D-.”

And here’s the funny thing: Alison and I went to high school with, for the most part, really nice people. Everyone pretty much left people alone, to my recollection. It felt like we were a relatively close-knit group, even if we had our own people that we mainly hung around with. But that’s kind of my point: even people who did not have a traumatizing high school experience often look back and say, “By God, I never want to do that again.”

We do it again, though, when we have children. And let me tell you, high school was no more fun for me then second time around. Here are a few reasons why:

High school kids are big stupid dummies – Yes, from their perspective, they know it all, but from my perspective, they are a tad on the overconfident side. These are people who were in 3rd grade or younger when the twin towers fell; they don’t remember “Just Say No;” and more importantly, they don’t remember Run DMC. Do you understand what that means? They think “It’s Tricky” is quaint, and don’t like it AT ALL when you get up and start rapping along. These high school bozos are clueless to all of the things they don’t know, and they arrogantly tell you what is what from the perspective of a sheltered, immature young whelp that has yet to pay a single gas bill, cell phone bill, insurance payment, or grocery tab.

High school parents are freaks – Is that putting it too boldly? I think not. I have been consistently amazed by the lengths to which parents will go to ensure that their marginally talented, mostly obnoxious child is seen as the grand star of the day. I know parents who call their childrens’ high school teachers over everything from how other kids are talking to the child, to missed homework assignments, to why the child was not made quarterback. Perhaps I am just too hard-hearted, but I have always felt like facing disappointment in this phase of life is probably good preparation for being a gracious adult. If my son, as a teenager who I entrust with a car, a cell phone, keys to the house and his own debit card, did not feel personally capable of navigating the comparatively mild world of high school politics, I would genuinely question my parenting skills.

High school is the only place where children are expected to be perfect in all areas – Think about it: high school kids are expected to follow an extremely rigid schedule controlled by bells and implemented through a complicated series of punishments from forced detention to expulsion. They are expected to have complete knowledge in language, math, science, history, physical education, music, art, and probably more things. They have to ask permission to go poop. Sometimes, they are forced to play dodge ball. It’s really weird! And then on top of that, we expect them to volunteer their free time to a sport, or a club, and there are complex rules of participation for that, too.

The people in high school who are always talking about “The Real World” are those who don’t live in it – Both in my high school experience and as a parent, I have heard a ton of conversation about “the real world.” But here’s the problem: the people who keep saying that don’t live in “the real world.” They live in the school world, where they get their summers off. People in the real world do not. In the school world, they get TWO WEEKS for Christmas. My work, in the real world, is like, “Hey sucker, enjoy this day that you get off for Christmas. And don’t forget to come back on the 26th.” Teachers do an amazing job, but in the real world, you do not have a test every two weeks. And also, a failure to do homework does not translate to failure in real life. I did almost zero homework in high school, and managed to get in all of my assignments in college, law school, and at work. Don’t email me about this, please.

High school is too dramatic – High school kids are super confrontational, and they will call you out if you do something - after consulting at length about it with their friends of course. They are unable to let things go without phone calls, text messages, and passive-aggressive allusions to it on Facebook. Oh my God, let it go. As adults, if we don’t hear from our friends every day, we figure that they are busy, you know, earning a living or having a baby or reading The Help (by the way, I have heard mixed reviews about this book. Some say it’s the best thing they’ve ever read, some say it was written for morons. I would like to know which I should believe. Please advise).

So, everyone, I hope that you’ll raise a figurative glass with me on June 5th, when this is all over. For those of you who are still going through it, I raise my glass right back to you, in sympathy.