Enough

For some strange reason, for the past six months, but mostly recently, God has been punishing me for some forgotten sin by subjecting me to constant, unceasing coverage of something called The Royal Wedding. Now here are some things I know for sure: I do not know these people well enough to care about their wedding, and….nah, that’s pretty much it. I don’t care about their wedding. Not their pumpkin coach driven by enchanted mice, not their garments sewn by tiny, magical, Chinese fairy children, and not the hundreds of chinless, snaggledy-toothed British subjects whose lives this will affect. And I feel kind of bad about this, like I am somehow a lesser human being for not caring, but it is a basic fact that I would rather draw the number 7 on a page for twenty straight hours than be subjected to another moment of discussion on this topic. William and Kate, good luck, and go away.

While we’re on the subject, I would also like to point out that I would rather not hear any more debate on whether or not it is prudent to vaccinate children. In my mind the facts are basic: if you vaccinate your children, they will not die of smallpox. Other points aside, let’s move on.

And, you know, I am also disinclined to muster any enthusiasm for a chronicle of Charlie Sheen’s death spiral or Lindsay Lohan’s court battles. I totally get the car-wreckiness of it all, but there comes a point when citizens of the world say to themselves, “Wow, this person is in a terrible situation. He or she needs mental health assistance, not a standing ovation from Leno’s audience.” I think we collectively passed that point a while ago. It all kind of reminds me of when Michael Jackson was alive, and how the tabloids would call him Wacko Jacko, and detail the really weird things he did. People were totally interested in that, but if the headline would have read, “Crazy Homeless Guy Who Lives Under the Bridge Does Something Crazy….Again!” no one would have been interested. Why is it that a celebrity, be it Sheen or Mel Gibson or Margot Kidder found wandering around someone’s backyard without her front teeth – she was SUPERMAN’S GIRLFRIEND! - is more interesting than the people who are potentially wandering around our own backyards?

I don’t want to hear anything more about birth certificates…

Or how people who are demanding birth certificates are not racist, it is merely a coincidence that they only want to see birth certificates of Mexican-looking people and certain mixed-race-type Presidents. (PS, have I ever mentioned that I am offended by the fact that Obama self-identifies as black? I am. I think he should identify as “blackish” or “mixy.” Something catchy and adorable like that. And the census should be changed too. Having my own mixy child makes me sensitive to the fact that regular white people only have to check off one box, while I have to wade through countless racial identifiers – is my child Hispanic of non-Eskimo descent? Is he Pan-Asian with a Latin twist? I think I ended up getting so confused, I identified him as Malamute. Now I’m all stressed out that the census people are going to come put me in prison.)

What was I talking about? Oh, yes, I also would rather eat an entire bag of those orange Circus Peanuts, which, for the record, I HATE, than hear one more thing about Dancing with the Stars. I know this thing has been around for a while, but I am still struggling with the concept. I genuinely don’t get why so many people are interested in watching people without a talent compete in something that actually requires talent. And then why do I have to hear about it on the morning news, which used to be devoted to things like news? You know, the Hamid Karzai kind of news.

In summary, I realize that this is all kind of random and churlish, but I find these particular topics too blandly annoying to devote an entire post to each one individually. Also, I’m supposed to be studying for finals right now. The future defendants of the world would be very disappointed to know that this is how I spend time that is supposed to be dedicated to my valuable law school education. Just do me a favor and keep these topics from me. Thanks!