All I Want

All I want is a working fireplace.

That has been my recurrent refrain for the past twenty-two years. I’ve always lived in places with fireplaces, but they have always been “decorative,” which is French for “giving you one less place where you can put your couch.” But I have always held to my belief that a mere working fireplace would throw me into a world where utter contentment and peace, at last, was mine. Until my friend Angela said to me, “All I want is an automatic garage door opener.” Angela has a working fireplace, which she and her family frequently use – a source of great envy from me. But, if Angela, who has a working fireplace, only wants an automatic garage door opener (which I have, and she clearly covets with the white hot covetousness of an old testament Bible villain,) then I have to be honest: I probably wouldn’t be happy with just the fireplace.

So, to that end, I have decided to make very clear all of the things that I want. I think you’ll find my needs simple, modest, and not at all out of line.

All I want is (obviously) a working fireplace
And a new couch that doesn’t make me sink three feet every time I sit on it
And a maid
And a cook, but the cook wouldn’t have to work that hard
And more damn closet space
And someone to empirically prove that people who rail mightily against homosexuals are unequivocally gay
I also want a boyfriend who looks exactly like Goran Visnjic
Or Clint Dempsey
Or, obviously, Denzel
But all I really want is for people who are pro death-penalty to say, “Ooops, I was wrong about that.”
But I want people to stop murdering each other, too
But I might be willing to trade all of those things in for two solid weeks of clothes from Ann Taylor.
Including shoes
And now that I think about it, all I really want is a delicious and cheap sushi place right next door
And for Stanley Steamer to come over and clean my carpets and couch cushions
But now I’m starting to feel guilty, so I guess I should say that I want world peace
And food for hungry people
And loving parents for children
And comfort for those who suffer
But I would settle for a summer cottage in Martha’s Vineyard and a really good moisturizer
And 10,000 cash. You don’t need to know what I want that for.
Lately, I’ve been thinking that all I really want is to be besties with Cat Deeley
And flattering tank tops in every color
Oh crap, I just realized that I haven’t mentioned my only child, and how all I really want or care about is his health and safety! I am such a bad mom!
But since I’m a bad mom, I’ll just say that all I really want is for those birds who sit outside my bedroom window and have a party at 4 am every morning to shut the hell up
And a dishwasher and new dryer with steam feature
And for people to stop saying, “I am blessed,” because that’s awfully presumptuous
So now I guess is where I should be wrapping this up by saying something that shows that I’m secretly grateful for everything I have, and that I would live in a shack with a pool of murky water in exchange for the love of my family and friends, my belief in mankind, and the opportunity to do good for others.
But screw that. All I really want is a tiny giraffe.