NYRPs

Dear NYRPs,

You may not know who you are, so let me explain. You are New Years Resolution People. On December 31, you diligently promise to go to the gym more often and really get in shape this year.

Now, I want to be clear. I think your resolution is great. I think resolutions in general are great, and I wish you nothing but success in your resolutions. But here are some things that I want you to stop:

1. Stop taking my machine at the gym. I get it: you have just as much a right to it as I do. But here is another fact: there are rules, and you need to follow them. Wipe off the machine, let people work in, and do not chat on your cell phone while doing leisurely cardio. If you do not stop, I am going to come to your house, sweat all over your living room furniture, elbow you out of the way when you’re trying to get to your refrigerator, and laugh loudly and tell stories about going out to the bars on my phone while you’re trying to watch Scrubs reruns. Enjoy.

2. Stop walking four across on the track. Listen, I’m glad you have friends. And I’m psyched to see all of you in the matching black leggings and pink t-shirts that you got for walking the Race for the Cure. You’re adorable. But you are also causing a traffic jam. The same holds true when you crowd around the drinking fountain like it’s an open bar serving top shelf booze. Have your fun, friends, but seriously, keep your fat asses in a single file. I am running, and I do not want to be held up by you and your detailed discussion of Grey’s Anatomy.

3. Stop, and I mean STOP updating your status on Facebook every time you break a sweat. I know, you’re totally stoked about your commitment to physical fitness. But let’s both face the truth: you know and I know that your commitment will not extend past you spending 12 days in a row on three hour-a-day workouts, and then you will stop going entirely. Kindly spare us all from your annoying updates: “Just got back from the gym! “ “Finishing work and getting in a workout!” “3 miles on the treadmill, 5 miles on the elliptical and a half-hour of power rowing!” Here is a fact: one year, I decided as my resolution to make a firmer commitment to flossing my teeth. I hate flossing, so this was a real fucking challenge for me, but I did it, every single night. Do you think I felt the need to jump on Facebook every time I flossed? “Hey world! Great floss tonight! It was awesome! Got rid of a lot of Oreo remnants!” “Hey everyone, just flossed again!” “Oh my god, third floss of the day! Phew!” Yeah, that’s how I feel when you FB your damn workouts. Just get on the treadmill and can the yapping.

4. Last but not least: When you resolve to do something, just do it. I always know it’s mid-February, because the gym is suddenly as empty as it was before the holidays. That is called New Year’s Quitting, and it’s not very resolutiony at all. I am telling you this because I care. If you resolve to get fit, then get your ass to the gym, end of story. It may not be the most fun you’ve ever had in your life, but neither is breathing, and we do that all the time. And guess what? I know you’re busy. But if you want to get into a contest about who is busier, I guarantee you I will win. Unless you’re going to miss your workout to go save orphans in Haiti, there is nothing that can’t be pushed back a half hour so you can get in some cardio. Okay?

Happy New Year, and can’t wait to see you at the gym!