Don't Say This

Listen: I don’t think that I get any more annoyed than anyone else by common grammar mistakes. I get that, as a society, we’re just not going to fix this really impossible to/too/two problem or figure out how to not end sentences with prepositions at. But there are a few things that people regularly do that I would like to stop. Please band with me in letting people know that they should never again say the following:


1. “For all intensive purposes” – I don’t know what “intensive purposes” are, but they do not sound good. I am guessing they are the sort of purposes one would have when one goes to a Henry Rollins concert. Instead, say, “For all intents and purposes,” and then understand that what that really means is, “To the degree that any of us care.”

2. “Irregardless” – You know this isn’t a word, right? You either have regard for something, or you do not have regard for it – and in that case, you would simply say, “regardless.”

3. “It’s very/sort of/pretty unique” - Unique means “one of a kind.” Therefore, something is either one of a kind, or it is not one of a kind. Something cannot be “sort of” one of a kind any more than anyone can be “sort of” pregnant. Nothing can be “so unique” either. Unique is a word that should not be modified ever.

4. “Valentime’s Day” – I do not understand. I never see this word misspelled, but I hear it said with that crazy “m” all the time. And I understand that sometimes things change, e.g., how the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade has become the Macy’s Day Parade (I LOVE Macy’s Day!) but I do not now, nor will I ever understand how a simple Valentine became something that referenced a made-up era. Ah, if only we were still living in Valen Time.

5. “The heighth is the same as the width” – no, it’s not. Because height has a hard “t” at the end. And I know that there are some of you who are going to say, “No, no, that’s a regional thing. We really say it with a ‘th’ where I come from." No. You don’t. So stop.

6. “I literally died laughing” – No, you figuratively died laughing. If you literally died laughing, I would be writing this from your funeral, which would be rude of me.

7. “This use to be alot funner” – sigh. Where do I start? Okay, first, it’s “used to be.” Past tense. Second, it is “a lot.” Two separate words. I am not kidding! Finally, it is “more fun,” not “funner.” Funner, actually, might be a lot more fun to say, but it is still not a word. And it’s not something that used to be a word either. It was never a word, so stop saying it.

8. “This is Ludacris” - Okay, this is just going too far. The only time that you could legitimately say this is if you are introducing the rapper/artist Ludacris to someone, say, at a party. Then, you would expect your friend, Ludacris, to extend his hand and shake. If you want to express that something is so foolish, unreasonable, or out of place as to be amusing, you would say, “This is ludicrous.” It is simply ludicrous to misspell this word. Also not okay: Ludichrist.

9. “USA! USA! USA! USA!” – Okay, I grant that this one is a little off-topic, but it’s my blog, and I am allowed to write anything I want. Can we please just quit yelling this all the time? If we REALLY want to make ourselves look superior to other countries, we need to yell out Pi to, like, the 11th place. Can you imagine us all yelling that in unison at the Olympics? “3.14159265258!” Or better yet, if we wanted to show pride in our country, we could just start yelling out our Presidents in order. “WASHINGTON! ADAMS! JEFFERSON! MADISON! MONROE! ADAMS! BUT NOT THE ADAMS WE YELLED BEFORE! THIS ONE WAS HIS SON! JACKSON!” and so on and so on.

Okay, that’s all I can think of. Now, I just need to sit back and wait for my mom to correct my grammar and punctuation.