Labor Pains

Just to be clear from the outset: I have about ten friends who are pregnant at this very moment. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. Clear? Okay.

Having all these pregnant friends, however, reminds me of how, the moment someone announces her pregnancy, people - like a spring termite hatch - come out of the woodwork to describe Their Terrible Pregnancy and Delivery. Example:

“When I was pregnant with little baby Jessifrance, I was actually on bed rest for 13 months! And I know that’s weird, because pregnancies are only 9 months, but that’s how serious it was! I was throwing up so hard, my intestines fell out! I had to have 26 ultrasounds, and Jessifrance had to have a full set of braces, including headgear, in the womb! My obstetrician said that I had the most terrible pregnancy on record!”

or

“When I had little baby Abercrombie, I was in labor for 17 days! Seriously! He came out with shoulder-length hair, and his toenails were two inches long! And they had to close off my area of the hospital because my screams were so deafening! My obstetrician said that I had the most painful birth on record!”

Now, here is just a little fact that I would like to point out: women have been having babies for as long as civilization has existed. Is it really that bad, if a rice paddy worker in China can squat in the middle of a field, push out a baby, and go back to work? If a fourteen year old girl living in the Amazon can do it? This is a biological function that can be done safely at home.

I had my own baby once, and I remember hearing so many horror stories, that I was certain that labor was going to be like having a serrated knife stuck directly up my babymaker with an exploding firecracker attached. Instilled with that fear, I refused to believe that the discomfort I was feeling was actually labor pains until my contractions were less than 3 minutes apart. I almost had that kid on I-270. And don’t write me back telling me, “Every labor is different; you were just lucky because mine was like being punched in the womb with a razorblade coated bowling ball,” because I don’t give a shit. Even if you had THE WORST LABOR IN HISTORY, where in the hell do you get off telling new, scared mommies how terrible it is?

Can you imagine this occurring in any other setting? Before you got your driver’s license, no one insisted on coming up to you and saying, “You know, when I learned how to drive, I crashed the car into a bus full of Down’s Syndrome children holding puppies. Decapitated every single one of them.” Because that is cruel and weird. But, for some reason, women get a sense of overwhelming glee in describing how terrible childbirth is. LIKE THEY ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH IT. Get over it. You’re not special because you had a kid. You want to do something difficult, go solve poverty.

So, in closing, I just want to say a few things to my pregnant friends, especially the first-timers: the baby is in, but it will come out, one way or another. Your body knows what to do. You will be just fine, and I can’t wait to meet your new baby.