Best and Worsts of TV 2010

With the year drawing to a close, this is the season of the Best and Worst lists of the year. For the television ones, the critics always talk about things I don’t watch, like, Breaking Bad, Dexter and Doctor Who. I don’t know why I would want to watch something smart and sophisticated when I could be watching Jillian Michaels make someone throw up. So, keeping that in mind, here are my best and worsts of the year, TV-style.

Best:

1. Hoarders – Hands-down, the best show on television. Why? Because you can’t get people holding up limited edition Darth Vader Mr. Potatohead dolls that are covered in cat urine and mold ANYWHERE ELSE. At the very most, this show is an amazing look into human nature. At the very least...well, let me just put it in the words of my shrink: “Yay! Compared to them, your compulsions aren’t that bad!” Sigh.

2. The Sing-Off – What makes a non-scripted show great? Talent, aspirations, and Ben Folds. This show has all of that. A capella somehow becomes incredibly cool on this short, sweet (only five or so episodes) show, and as a bonus, Nick Lachey is the host. Even better, this show, unlike Idol, Dancing with the People Whose Names We Recognize, and even my beloved So You Think You Can Dance, does not rely on America to determine who is talented. This show essentially says, “America, you’re stupid. We’ll pick the talent here, and (hint) it’s not going to be the young, hot chicks.”

3. The Daily Show/The Colbert Report – God, I love smart men.

4. Morning Express with Robin Meade – This is CNN Headline News’ morning show, and there is nothing about Robin Meade that isn’t awesome. Sometimes, she delivers the news, and then says, “I’m sorry, but, that seems kind of stupid.” That’s right, Robin. You tell ‘em. One day she will be my best friend. Also: no viewer can look away from her giant, mesmerizing boobs.

5. Degrassi – Don’t knock it til you try it. There’s nothing better than Canadian teen angst.

6. Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew – We are in the fourth season of this show, and while some of the “celebrities” are questionable, there is, in fact, a whole lotta Janice Dickenson. And she definitely ranks among my top favorite Celebrity Rehabbers of all time, although obviously Heidi Fleiss and Rodney King have my heart forever. The beauty of this show is that, despite the drama and B-listiness of the people, they are genuinely showing us that addiction is no fucking joke.

Worst:

1. Cake-Decorating Shows – What the hell – are there, like, twenty of these? Cake Wars, Ace of Cakes, Amazing Wedding Cakes, Ultimate Cake-Offs, Cake Boss….what is wrong with you people? Don’t you know that, once you watch one cake decorating show, it’s pretty much the same thing over and over again? Assemble cake, ice cake, add crap to cake. Also, by the time these cakes are completed, they are, like, a week old. Who wants to eat week-old cake? (Okay, I probably would.)

2. I Survived – Have you seen this show? If it is on, quickly turn off your television, unplug it, shoot it, burn your house down around it, dig a hole, bury the ashes, flood the area, poison the water, and then move somewhere else. I Survived is about people who escaped horrible, horrible deaths (for example by knife-wielding strangers dressed as ninjas who HID IN THEIR ATTIC FOR DAYS). If you watch even five minutes of this show, you will be haunted for decades. I have warned you. Don’t blame me when it ruins your life.

3. Man v. Food – a.k.a. Adam Richman’s slow ascent into obesity. Diners, Drive Ins and Dives makes me hungry. This show makes me never want to eat again.

4. The Office – I literally have to slap a baby every time this show is aired. It has become unfunny and crappish to the point that I HAVE TO TYPE IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO EXPRESS MY DISGUST. And the sad thing is that this was a once-funny show that was victimized by becoming too invested in the humanity of its own characters. The show was great because the characters were reprehensible freaks. Once the writers started worrying about viewers liking the characters, the show stopped being funny. I am still angry about this. You suck, The Office.

5. Jersey Shore/Real Housewives of (Insert City) – As #2 above points out, good unscripted television contains three components: talent, aspirations and Ben Folds. There is an appalling lack of any of these on these shows. I know that people watch them, but I just don’t get it. I find them depressing to the point that I would watch The Office just to get away from it. At least the people on The Office have jobs.

That’s it! Did I miss anything?