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Okay, Facebook posters, I need some answers.

Question 1: Why are people so bossy on Facebook? Every time I open my page, I am told that I need to REPOST THIS NOW if I support breast cancer research, America, taking a stand against bullying, veterans, mothers, children, puppies and probably a host of other things. Now, I am all for people feeling passionate about their causes, but would you walk up to a person on the street and start shouting in their face: IN AMERICA VETERANS REPRESENT THE FREEDOMS MOST OF US TAKE FOR GRANTED. REAL AMERICANS KNOW THIS! DO YOU? 97% OF PEOPLE WILL NOT SHOUT THIS AT THE NEXT PERSON THEY SEE. WILL YOU BE ONE OF THE 3% WHO WILL SHOUT THIS? ON A CORNER? WILL YOU SHOUT IT ON A CORNER? HOW ABOUT A SIGN? WILL YOU MAKE A SIGN? YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY MAKE A SIGN. SEE YOU LATER WITH YOUR SIGN! USE COLORED MARKERS. THE FAT ONES!

I have to be honest. I support veterans/breasts/moms/America in the same way as everyone else: I try not to actively hurt them by running them over with my car. I vote. I don’t protest military funerals. And, while I sort of vaguely acknowledge that raising awareness is a good thing for people with a cause, I just don’t think that the best way to raise awareness is to act like a bossy asshole and try to shame people into reposting a message on Facebook. And don’t tell me to vote, either. Believe me, I have plenty of other people to tell me to vote. I need you to spend your time and energy crafting interesting status updates, not telling me to do something I already have taken care of.

Question 2: Speaking of status updates, why must people acknowledge the day of the week as their status update? Example: “Monday: boo.” Or “Hump day!” or “It’s Friday!” Let’s be clear: only the most ignorant, first-grade hamster doesn't know what day of the week it is. The same thing goes with the weather. “It’s a beautiful day!” “Ugh, rainy day.” I don’t get it. Are you getting your degree in meteorology? Is this part of your class credit, to practice saying the weather? If not, why not – and please, do this for me – say something that I can’t learn by turning on the weather channel?

Question 3: Why do people constantly post how stressed they are? I am starting to get worried. Here is a typical post: “My hectic day: Awoken by vomiting ferret, had to take 200 cupcakes to youngest son’s school, finalized the Underhill account at work (2 million dollars), ran a marathon after work, taught spinning class at the Alzheimer’s ward at the nursing home, and then had to go to the grocery store, where they were out of Robitussen, which sucks because I am sick as a dog! I am so busy and stressed!”

Let me just say this: First of all, you are overscheduling yourself. Second of all, shut up. If you have time to post this on Facebook, you’re not that busy. Also: I just want to point out that you brought this on your damn self. Everyone knows that ferrets are smelly and will steal your wallet. Ditch the ferret and invest in some fish. They’re relaxing. As far as the cupcakes go, give your kid twenty bucks and send him to Kroger. I don’t care that he’s only ten years old and his only method of transportation is a bike, just couch it as an opportunity for problem-solving and leave him to it. That’s called creative parenting. The Underhills are assholes, marathon running is overrated, all you have to do at the nursing home is tell the Alzheimer’s patients that you taught the class – they won’t remember - and if you’re sick go to the damn doctor. Also: wash your hands, and remember, no matter how much you bitch and moan about the unbelievable pressure you’re under, you could be in a Turkish prison, and that would be really bad. Do you know the schedule at a Turkish prison?

6:30 - torture
7:00 – torture
8:00 – torture
9:00 – 3:00 – torture
3:00 – light snack
3:15 – torture
4:00 – torture
4:30 – macrame and other crafts
5:00- - 8:00 – torture
8:30 – torture
8:45 – lights out

This is a very busy and not-so-fun schedule, I think any of us would admit. So just remember, friends, life is good. We don’t need to be bossing people around, or telling them the weather, or overwhelming ourselves with a recitation of our busy lives. Let’s save our status updates for talking about important things. Like nachos.