Change A Letter, Ruin A...

Twitter is great for a lot of things. Silly things. In terms of actual news, while it hits the mark on quantity, the quality is often lacking. Unless Bono really does have Ebola. In that case, I take back everything. There was a hashtag making the rounds a couple of weeks ago that cracked the hell out of me: #Changealetterruinatvshow. Well, let me tell you, I rocked at that. My personal favorites: America’s Toe Model, The Love Goat, and The Biggest Loner. All, as you can see, appropriately ruined. I’ve now applied that concept to movies. Here goes:

Kids of the Spider Woman – Hundreds, to be exact

Apocalypse, Wow! – A hilarious romp through the jungles of Vietnam

2 Angry Men – Specifically Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show

The Humper Games – Dogs getting distracted at an obstacle course

The Love Ranger – Johnny Depp, being weird as usual

Kind Kong – The nicest ape in town

Snakes on a Plant – Okay, they’re just worms

Steal Magnolias – Thieves with a flair for what makes a home beautiful take over a small southern town

Sawing Private Ryan – Magic tricks gone awry

Desperately Seeking Sudan – Madonna knows it’s in Africa, but where?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Sucrets – He has a sore throat

The Lizard of Oz – Run!!!!!

It’s a Wonderful Lime – See just how versatile this often unheralded citrus fruit is

Norma Rat – The chilling tale of exactly what happens when rodents organize

The Lord of the Rinds – A gamer sits in his parent’s basement, eating pork snacks

Flee Willy – The Orca’s on the loose!

Hannah and Her Misters – She’s a bit of a whore

Bag – Tom Hanks plays a grocery store bagger. Just because.

Bard On A Wire – Shakespeare uses a telephone!

Saturday: Light Fever – A suspenseful tale about the Ebola incubation period

A Few Gold Men – A behind-the-scenes look at the Oscars race for best picture

Citizen Kale – A man, obsessed with leafy greens

96 Candles – Sam’s parents forgot her 96th birthday

A Fee, Good Men – The life and times of a polite tollbooth worker

Muriel’s Weeding – An Australian lady gardens

The Silence of the Limbs –A psychopathic murderer holds the cure for restless leg syndrome

The Frying Game – The knives fly on this realistic look at competitive cooking shows

Gone With the Wine – We’ve all been there

(Alternately) Gene With the Wind – When he’ll blow by, nobody knows

HR Speak

I work in HR.  Human Resources, where we’ve perfected to an absolute art the ability to say things without saying them.  I told a friend the other day that I don’t think I’ve used the work “problem” for years.  We don’t have problems in corporate HR.  We have “opportunities.”  Sound confusing?  Not if you do it for a while.  But, for those who need to know how to speak HR, here’s a translator for you.

You want to say: Wow, your work is terrible.  I think my second-grader could do better work than you.

In HR speak it is: Wow, you are a diamond in the rough!  I’d love to talk with you about process improvements we might be able to enact.

You want to say: What is the problem with coming into work on time?  Do you not own an alarm clock?

In HR speak: Let’s brainstorm some strategies to help you be more effective in getting to work at the traditional time. 

You want to say: The last thing you should be doing is managing other people.  You’re going to scar them for life.

In HR speak: While we need all kinds of leaders here, I wonder if we can think about different ways you could message what you are saying. 

You want to say: You’re a backstabbing son-of-a-bitch.

In HR speak: I always enjoy working with you.  You challenge me to think differently. 

You want to say: You are such a fucking asshole.

In HR speak: Your point of view is so interesting.  Can you tell me more?

You want to say: Why would I do it that way?  That’s so inefficient!

In HR speak: You are brilliant.   But might I offer another way of thinking? 

You want to say: This will never work.

In HR speak: You are brilliant.  I’m interested to see how this will turn out. 

You want to say: How dare you speak to me that way!

In HR speak: Thanks for your feedback!

You want to say: This meeting has been going on for over an hour, and all we are doing is sitting around, pontificating, like our words are really important, and everybody knows WE’RE NOT DOING BRAIN SURGERY HERE so can we pick up the fucking pace?

In HR speak: Great meeting, everyone!

You want to say: You are inept, have always been inept, and will always be inept

In HR speak: Congratulations on the promotion!