HR Speak

I work in HR.  Human Resources, where we’ve perfected to an absolute art the ability to say things without saying them.  I told a friend the other day that I don’t think I’ve used the work “problem” for years.  We don’t have problems in corporate HR.  We have “opportunities.”  Sound confusing?  Not if you do it for a while.  But, for those who need to know how to speak HR, here’s a translator for you.

You want to say: Wow, your work is terrible.  I think my second-grader could do better work than you.

In HR speak it is: Wow, you are a diamond in the rough!  I’d love to talk with you about process improvements we might be able to enact.

You want to say: What is the problem with coming into work on time?  Do you not own an alarm clock?

In HR speak: Let’s brainstorm some strategies to help you be more effective in getting to work at the traditional time. 

You want to say: The last thing you should be doing is managing other people.  You’re going to scar them for life.

In HR speak: While we need all kinds of leaders here, I wonder if we can think about different ways you could message what you are saying. 

You want to say: You’re a backstabbing son-of-a-bitch.

In HR speak: I always enjoy working with you.  You challenge me to think differently. 

You want to say: You are such a fucking asshole.

In HR speak: Your point of view is so interesting.  Can you tell me more?

You want to say: Why would I do it that way?  That’s so inefficient!

In HR speak: You are brilliant.   But might I offer another way of thinking? 

You want to say: This will never work.

In HR speak: You are brilliant.  I’m interested to see how this will turn out. 

You want to say: How dare you speak to me that way!

In HR speak: Thanks for your feedback!

You want to say: This meeting has been going on for over an hour, and all we are doing is sitting around, pontificating, like our words are really important, and everybody knows WE’RE NOT DOING BRAIN SURGERY HERE so can we pick up the fucking pace?

In HR speak: Great meeting, everyone!

You want to say: You are inept, have always been inept, and will always be inept

In HR speak: Congratulations on the promotion!