My Superior Favorite Things

Some time ago, I wrote a post about all the things Ihate.  It was harder than it sounds, because, I didn’t want to put any obvious stuff like, “I hate injustice and baby killers,” even though I mostly do.  Anyway, one of my readers, who is ridiculously Zen-like, and a much kinder human than I, asked, “Hey, why don’t you make a list of the things you love?”  My response: “Because that’s not funny.”  I mean, face it, you wouldn’t be reading this blog if every week was a recitation of my gratitude.  You’ve got better things to do, and so do I.  But since that remark, I’ve felt a challenge.  Could I smack that favorite-things hawking shill Oprah with my list of Superior Favorite Things?  Well, I’ll give it my best:

1.       I love making fun of Oprah, and nobody will ever stop me.  Except, maybe, Oprah. 

2.       I love when people tweet insane things under the misguided belief that the First Amendment has magical powers that prevent the consequences of foolhardy actions.

3.       If I had a Twitter account, I would tweet things like, “Taylor Swift looks like a crafty ferret.”

4.       By the way, I love Taylor Swift.  She is making serious bank, despite the fact that she only has a three-note range. 

5.       I love when people get all angry that Lena Dunham asserts her completely amazing existence, despite the fact that she is 13 pounds overweight, and it has been awful for her her whole life. 

6.       I love Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson, even though he represents so many things I don’t like, e.g., intentional baldness, nicknames in quotes, tattoos, ironically arched eyebrows, and the CFL. 

7.       I love that we all continue to pretend that Delaware is a real state, instead of a holograph that solely exists for shady corporations and so Sugar Ray Leonard can pretend he was born somewhere, instead of spawned from moonlight and pure awesomeness.

8.       Speaking of Delaware, I love Joe Biden.  Don’t act like you don’t.   

9.       I love every single thing about the phrase “Nuns on the Run.”  Everything.  I want this on my tombstone. 

10.   Also: Goose on the Loose.  Hysterical.  Seriously.

11.   I love Community, even without Dan Harmon.

12.   I love when somebody puts a racist/classist/homophobic comment on USAToday.com, and fails to correctly distinguish between there/their/they’re, or your/you’re, so that everybody can tell that it’s just an idiot posting. 

13.   I love washing my hands, but that’s because I have OCD. 

14.   And I love having OCD, because it makes my hands really clean.

15.   I love that, every time my dog sniffs her own butt, she seems surprised, like, “Hmmm, I don’t believe we’ve met, butt.” 

16.   I love the term Lazy Susan.  That Susan must have been a real piece of work.

17.   I love scaring the mailman, even though I know it’s wrong.

18.   I love, and I mean LOVE elderly men, especially when they wear old-timey hats.

19.   I love Todd Rundgren, and if I could only choose only one person with whom to repopulate the world after an apocalypse, it would totally be him. 

20.   I love people who get this blog.  Holla!

21.   I love Michael Phelps’s lateral lisp, piranha teeth, and underbite. 

22.   I also loved when he and his dumb model girlfriend broke up.  I am totally team Allison Schmitt.  She and Michael Phelps would have superbabies.

23.    I love it that when I tell my son that he has to check the house for killers, he’s just like, “Okay.” 

24.   For the record: I love my son, my family, my dog, baseball, and the Buckeyes.  And you, even though I've been trying to keep that a secret.

 

25.   I love that I’m always right about everything all the time.