Hairy Monkey Jesus

If you’ve read the news lately, you probably saw the story about Celia Gimenez, an “amateur” painting restorer in Spain who sought to touch up a century-old fresco of Jesus in the sanctuary of her church, and, instead, turned Jesus into what was described as “a crayon sketch of a very hairy monkey in an ill-fitting tunic.” 

Oh, friends.  I have to say that there is almost nothing in the world that has delighted me as much as Hairy Monkey Jesus.  Perhaps that’s because Gimenez was sincerely and genuinely attempting to restore the painting.  She just sucked.  I love the fact that she genuinely felt her talent was of a level that she could undertake this restoration.  Maybe she’s crazy.  Who knows. 

Here’s what I do know: a century old Jesus fresco is not that interesting.  First of all, nobody a century ago had a clue what Jesus looked like.  A century is a blink of an eye, and over 1900 years since Jesus lived, so it’s not like Elias Garcia Martinez, the painter, had a good clue what the J-man looked like, either.  He was probably looking at a Renaissance Jesus, and those Renaissance people didn’t have a clue either.  Monkey Jesus might be closer to what Jesus actually looked like.  They didn’t have conditioner in the first century, so I don’t know why Jesus’s locks are always so tamed.  By the way, I object to the use of the word “very” in describing how hairy of a monkey Jesus was in this picture.  I think Jesus looks like an averagely hairy monkey.

Second of all, there are already plenty of standard pictures of Jesus.  He’s all over paintings, things on vellum, bibles, bookmarks, grilled cheese, and prison tattoos.  We don’t have enough Hairy Monkey Jesuses.  I find this to be a view of Jesus that we don’t ordinarily see.  And why not?  What if Jesus really did resemble a very hairy monkey wearing an ill-fitting tunic?  He’d still be the son of God.  Jesus is supposed to live in our hearts and our actions.  Are we only capable of doing that if Jesus has suave hair and soulful, chestnut brown eyes?  Are we so small that we can’t accept Hairy Monkey Jesus? 

Third of all, What Would Jesus Do?  Jesus is the guy who washed lepers’ feet for fun.  He’s the one who said that the people who love and care for the sick and downtrodden will be assured a place in heaven.  Surely Jesus would include hairy monkey-men in this lot, no? Jesus would say to the world that his image is not his lasting legacy, right?  And while I get that all of us shouldn’t get out our acrylics and take to the nearest da Vinci, ultimately, I think this “restoration” allowed people to contemplate their own view of the things they consider holy, make their own decisions about what is art, and, if nothing else, have a good laugh.  I think Jesus would be cool with that.