Non-Bucket List

Everyone has a bucket list, but I think buckets are stupid. I hate that word. Bucket. Pail is a stupid word, too. I just call it “metal container.” We don’t need to be getting all fancy with our words. And why can’t we just carry our water in our hands, like our ancestors? In any event, people have a list of things they can cross off so, I guess they can die in peace. I, on the other hand, have a list of things that I need to avoid. None of these things are necessary, and if I die having not done them, I will die perfectly happy. Here goes:


• Visiting each of the 50 states. There are some states that are worthless. Nobody needs to visit them, including the people who live there. I mean, does anyone really even live in Delaware?
• Skydiving. I think that going up in a perfectly functioning airplane is a terrible idea, so you damn well know that jumping out of one is not high on my list.
• That goes for flying in a helicopter as well. Helicopters seem to be made for one purpose: crashing horrifically. Also: getting blown up in Vietnam movies.
• Learning another language. I suck at the languages I already know.
• Sailing around the world. Seems like a lot of work. Also: pirates.
• Swimming with dolphins. Dolphins are just rats with fins, blowholes, adorable stubby noses, swishy tails, rubbery skin, and cute smiley mouths.
• Running with the bulls. You know who runs with bulls? Assholes.
• Shaking hands with the President. I don’t believe in shaking hands with foreigners.
• Witnessing a solar eclipse. Why would I want to do that? It is a scientifically proven fact that staring at the sun totally blows.
• Reading the complete works of Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, James Joyce or Shakespeare. If I want to read something I can’t understand, I will read the owner’s manual for my vacuum cleaner. At least that has pictures.
• Anything related to Ohio State, e.g., getting married on the Block O, dotting the “i” in script Ohio, attending all football games in one season, etc. Ohio State fans are nutty.
• Doing anything related to China. Great Wall, Mark Pi’s, Mann’s Chinese Theater, Chinese fire drill – no thank you. Those non-smiling Chinese Olympic divers spoiled it all for me. Thanks a lot, Chen Ruolin!
• Taking a road trip across the country. As I grow older, I have come to the conclusion that American roads are full of annoying Americans, who are either driving twenty miles under the speed limit or thirty miles over it.
• Camping. Sleeping on the ground is for poor people.
• Standing on the equator or the prime meridian or that place where you can be in four states at once. That’s okay. I’ll just stand here (points at feet.)
• Learning all of the constellations/countries of the world/state capitals/names of the 7 dwarfs, etc. I have already crammed more than my fair share of completely useless shit into my brain. I don’t need anything else in there.
• Writing a song and singing it to someone. Here’s a better idea: sending someone a link to a much better song that someone else wrote. You’re welcome.