Looking for Love?

There is one thing that freaks me out almost as much as my certainty that there is a killer standing behind my shower curtain RIGHT NOW and that a monkey might one day rip off my face: online dating sites.  Now, I want to be clear that I am not knocking these things.  Follow your bliss, y’all.  But I can honestly say that I have a hard enough time tolerating men that I actually know and like.  I don’t need strangers making things worse.  Nonetheless, I am 100% confident that, if online dating questionnaires were graded, I could submit one that earned an A+.  Here are some sample dating site questions and my completely truthful answers.  Like I said: A+.

Are you physically fit? Listen, the expanse of my ribcage is second only to former Ohio State linebacker Tom Cousineau. It is huge!  I can hardly fit in doors!  That’s a lot of lung capacity in there. 

Do you have any serious medical condition? I break my toes a lot.  Those little suckers snap like twigs.  Also: if sweating were an Olympic sport, I would have several gold medals.  Several. 

Are you in a serious relationship at the moment?  Obviously, if I’m answering this questionnaire, it’s not that serious. 

Are you willing to submit a full size photo of yourself to place alongside your details on this site?  Oh, hell no. 

What are your hobbies?  Making fun of other peoples’ hobbies, acquiring a stash of clickie pens, washing my hands, worrying about where I’m going to park.

What is your idea of a good date?  I’ve always had a fondness for April 7^th, 1965.

What are your best qualities? I somewhat resemble Rutger Hauer.  Like everyone, I think Dave Grohl seems like a totally normal guy.  I could totally club a baby harp seal to death with only a strappy sandal to survive if I were stranded in Greenland.  I always have chap stick, and babies and animals love me. Except baby harp seals.  They are justifiably terrified of me.

What are your worst qualities? I sometimes accidentally stare at people like I am thinking about murdering them in their sleep.  But really, I’m just thinking about cheese.

In a few words can you describe the person that you are interested in meeting on this dating site?  Frequently absent, good dental hygiene, understands that nobody is listening to his soliloquy on how the quality of sound on vinyl records far surpasses digital, doesn’t ask nosy questions about how I got that scar.

What else is important for us to know about you? I’m a nice girl, but don’t test me.   Also: I like the Muppets.