The Comedy Stylings of Michele Bachmann

“I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending.”

This statement was made by Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann in the wake of a week that brought an earthquake and a hurricane to Washington DC. Her handlers are now saying that Bachmann’s statement was made “in jest,” but I’d just like to take a moment to examine what this statement, if true, would really mean in terms of the world and how it works.

1. “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians.” - Oh my goodness, Mrs. B., you have got an ego on you, don’t you? Are you aware that there are more than politicians who were affected by the earthquake and hurricane? If you believe that God is powerful and forceful enough to conjure an earthquake and a hurricane, don’t you think he has the skills to simply visit each politician with a simple, elegant heart attack? I mean, honestly, he could have saved himself about 60% of the work and just visited your enemies, the Democratic politicians. That just seems like a much better way of getting the attention of politicians. Michele Bachmann, do you think that God’s powers are weak and random?

2. “We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane.” We have also had a string of bright, beautiful, sunny days. You simply can’t attribute one to God and not the other. Unless you think that God is random, capricious, bipolar, and a real asshole. Also, as my friend Emily correctly points out, why would you, Michele Bachmann, take something that is already really, really scary (unless you think that people dying in a hurricane is funny) and associate that with an even scarier image of God As The Random Act of Destruction Guy? Do you, Michele Bachmann, want the world to cower at God’s name? Is that what you think God wants? Is that why God sent his son WHOM HE LOVED LIKE A SON down here to die? So that we would think, “Yeah, that God, he’s a real hater.” Jesus H. Christ. The guy spent almost the entire New Testament trying to salvage the PR disaster that was the Old Testament (it was a real smote-fest), and then you start pulling this. Michele Bachmann, do you think God is a hateful, bipolar maniac?

3. “He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’” - What the hell, Michele. When did he say that? I am so confused right now. Did he say it on CNN? Michele Bachmann, do you think that God speaks to you?

4. “Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring now.” – So let me get this straight: God is the voice of the American people? Does that make God a constituent of Congress? Are you really trying to get me to believe, Michele Bachmann, that if God has a concern, he, just like Ida Bellmont from Mount Claire, Indiana, follows up with his duly elected representative? Do you remember the part of the Bible where God was like, “Hey, Abraham, please kill your oldest son by 8 o’clock tonight, okay?” If he has no compunction about handling things in that manner, why in the heck do you think he would, even if he cared specifically about the American people, use such a roundabout way to effect the change he wanted to see? Michele Bachmann, do you think God is stupid and ineffectual?

5. “They know that the government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.” So, what you’re saying is that, if God were to effect all kinds of really gross natural disasters on Washington DC, he would do so in order to stop deficit spending? Deficit spending? Not immoral behavior, not ill treatment of the poor? Not a society that crushes the weakest in its ugly, Tea Party machinations of “health care for none” and “I don’t want to pay my fair share.” He doesn’t want to stop genocide, suicide, child molesters, drunk drivers, people beating their families, HUNGRY CHILDREN, and people who can think of no better way to spend $30,000 than on their child’s birthday party? Michele Bachmann, do you think that God is so goddamn petty?

For your sake, and for the sakes of the people of the great state of Minnesota, I sure hope this isn’t what you mean. And I hope that, next time you “jest,” that you make a joke about something that is actually funny.