Hidden

Back in the old days of Facebook, before I got the chance to know any better (meaning that my friend Jenn gave me a Facebook tutorial,) I thought that the only way to stop seeing the posts of people who WOULDN’T STOP BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR BEJEWELED BLITZ SCORE was to hit the “unfriend” button. And between bejeweled blitz and Farmland, I’m not going to lie, a lot of good people lost their Facebook friendships.

Thankfully, however, the “hide” button came along, and I can just hide forever the dumb polls you send and the scores that you get in Zoo Food or whatever the hell you’re playing this week. Now, I would NEVER hide any of my friends on Facebook, because you are all special and wonderful. My friends, however, have no such reservations. Here are their reasons for hiding your asses.

1. You are under the age of 20. There is some law that, if you are under the age of 20, you must add extra letters to the end of everything you say. As a result, “love you!” becomes “Loveeeeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.” That sort of egregious letter abuse simply does not cut the mustard with the older crowd. Also, your incessant insistence on posting maudlin song lyrics by that little asshole Taylor Swift (aka Taylorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Swifttttttttttttttttt) gives some of us hives. Hidden
2. You insist on providing a recitation of your day. Yes, I get it! You’re awake! Oh, now you’re going to yoga! Got it! Wait, what? You’re making an unscheduled detour to the grocery store? Do go on! Holy shit! You are picking up your child from daycare! I am on the edge of my seat! Hidden.
3. You are far more devoted to broadcasting your misery than investing in your own happiness. There is nothing that will make me, uh, I mean my friends, hide you faster than when you continually post about how sick, stressed, overworked, underappreciated, and generally unhappy you are. Just a suggestion: get the hell off of Facebook. Hidden.
4. Every status update is about Jesus. Let Jesus get his own Facebook account. Hidden.
5. You keep posting links to, “Want to know what this daughter had on her Facebook that made this Dad flip out?” A) Why in the hell do you care what some stranger’s dad thinks, you pervert? And B) If you can’t figure out spam by now, you are a menace to society. Hidden.
6. You have a dramatically slanted political and/or social view. Listen. Many of us are political. And vocal, too. But there is a difference between expressing support for your position and making extremist and inaccurate political statements that you gleaned from your extreme media source. Nobody wants to listen to you talk about how maybe those kids in Norway deserved it for being Socialists. Hidden.
7. You cannot adhere to basic grammar and spelling conventions. Jesus Christ, people, it’s “You’re welcome,” not “Your welcome.” It’s “Me, too,” not “Me to.” You are publishing information that might HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Is it too much to ask that you learn a few easy grammar rules? Hidden.
8. The only time you ever post is when your kid has hit a home run. Nobody cares. Hidden.
9. Facebook is your diary. Here is a confession: although I have a number of Facebook friends, I have about four real friends, and one of them is my dog. We simply are not close enough for you to tell me that your pap smear came back abnormal or that you are considering making a change from Zoloft to Lexapro, but you’re worried about the sexual side effects. Hidden.
10. It is clear, from the number of times in a day that you post, that you are neglecting your children. When people read your posts and think, “Dear God, this person needs someone to talk to!” it just gets too depressing. Hidden.